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04-SEP-2005 MIX IT UP I'm getting to a point where life is occasionally feeling very disconnected. Although I've been mulling around for 25 years now, most of the events that have supposedly shaped my world have only happened recently. September 11th was a work day for me, and it started like any other. When I got to work, one plane had already hit, and things didn't even look that bad. Just a bad accident. Everyone knows the rest. But for me, even though I realized what was happening was horrible, I had to fight the sensation that it was just another thing on TV. It wasn't that I was unsympathetic, or that I didn't understand the magnitude of what was happening. It was just that New York and the Trade Center were just places I had only been to on tv. I never had anything that made them feel real to me. No vacations, school trips, work travel, or visits of any kind. The only thing I ever attached to New York were NYPD Blue episodes and Die Hard 3. I realized I pretty much lived through entertainment. Not that most people aren't limited to that anyway. I understand I'm a suburban Wisconsinite, with basically zero connection to the outside world. But despite my limited travels to destinations outside the midwest, I always had a massive desire to get as many locations under my belt as possible. I want someone to mention a major city or a beautiful destination, and for me be able to reply. I want to know that little coffee shop they're talking about, I want to know how beautiful or different it is. I want to see a movie at Mann's Chinese Theater. I want to see both coasts (one down, one to go). And so on. I was ever grateful to Matt when he simply up-and-decided that he was going to Mexico, and that I should go with him. Despite short planning, and my famously limited funds at the time, we spent a week in Cancun in 2001. Mexico was a vacation within a vacation. Cancun, as it turns out, is America. Everyone speaks english, they have Coke, Chevys and Nissans, gift shops, and hotels. The clubs vary only slightly in the sense that you can receive oral sex while lying on the bar, and no one really cares. But even with that distraction aside, you basically get to a point where you're either on a beach or in a pool. Two things I could find variations of here. Matt and I realized this quickly, and started to diversify our trip. Tours and add-ons were all available through the travel agency, which scored us a bus ride to Chi Chen Itza, an ancient Mayan city. We toured the ruins with cameras in hand. On one hand I was just a tourist, being bused through the real world from one safe place to another. On the other I was staring out that window in between those places and watching a completely foreign land. Tiny homes made of crumbling concrete. Dust. Animals hung out on strings. Dirty, impoverished people. A boy that couldn't have been older than 8 pushing a wheelbarrow with a dead pig in it. This was what I needed. Matt and I took one of our final days in Mexico and spent it in Cancun City, which simply put, is not Cancun. We had a desire to be able to say we had been there, we had seen that. We didn't want to go to Mexico and come back nothing but tourists. Anyone can do that, anyone can experience that and maybe even assume that's what Mexico is. But we didn't want to be 100% tourist. And as agonizing as taking on a strange city in the middle of a foreign country on foot was, I can say I did it. And I'm glad I did. I'm pretty sure I don't know a lot of other people who share my interest in such things. Matt and I traveled to Gary Indiana a year ago (Sept. '04) to tour the economic devastation. Our friend Paul had previously visited Gary to take pictures, only to be mugged and have his camera taken. It put a bad taste in my mouth, but I wanted a photo shoot. So we went to Gary. Matt and I came across an abandoned cathedral. To this day it is certainly one of the most beautiful and interesting shoots I've done. Matt and I both came back with great photos. In any case, it's moments like that when I'm feeling the most alive. Life is mostly divided into little slices of work and sleep. With a lengthy commute and list of errands to run in between. Most people I know have settled into the routine already, striving to collect the most stuff and contributing little to the world in general. It's not really a problem, that's how everyone is. At least in this country. It's just not me. I have to work and I have bills to pay like anyone. But I'm also desperate to mix it up once and a while. If I can squeeze a little reality in between the drawers of file cabinet life, I'll be happy. Tonight I'm leaving for Matt's house in Chicago. I'm going to spend the night, and in the morning we are headed to Baton Rouge. Paul lives there now - the same paul who lost is camera in Gary. I haven't been able to get through since Katrina. Baton Rouge wasn't hit. They have power and gas and food, etc. But they are holding thousands of refugees. I'd like to make sure Paul's been doing fine for the last few years. And make sure he's managing through the disaster. I've never seen his place anyway. It's too bad it took a hurricane to get me there. But it's better than never. The spark that ignited the flame for this journey was obviously the hurricane. WIthout ignoring the obvious tragedy and immensity of this situation, I do hold the same desire to experience the world without the TV on. I'd like to see and touch the world, whether it's suffering or flourishing, without feeling disconnected from it. I'd like to look back on my life one day and remember something more than a protective suburban shell. I feel like I won't have lived unless I live through something. Not that this applies to that idea, nor has anything I've experienced so far. Regardless. As most people realize, there is a certain monotony to life that either causes the desire to explore once and a while, or it just settles in, becomes routine, and is simply accepted. As soon as it's accepted, life is over. I don't want to wake up one day and wish I had done something that I didn't. It's easy to find reasons not to mix things up. Mostly we are just making excuses for the fact that we are institutionalized, and neatly settled into our cubicles and our cars. Other times we're afraid of embarking on something unknown, or trying something different. Here's to mixing it up. 08-APR-2005 SISYPHUS The transition from teenager to adulthood for me was virtually undetectable. From as early as I can remember being able to work, I was working. It didn't actually feel like work at first, because I was having so much fun. This probably contributed to making this transition so seamless. When my financial income migrated from measly allowance to weekly paycheck, I was both empowered and burdened by the awesome responsibility of money. This, as I have hinted, is both a good and a bad thing. When I reflect on how gracefully I eased from no money to money, I also realize how easily I took on additional financial responsibilities in order to balance it all out. First it was a cell phone, then a car, car insurance. Eventually I moved out and before I knew it I was paying rent and bills and subscribed to cable internet and had to buy food. Imagine that. When I think about the so-called care-free days of being younger and enjoying little to no responsibility, I miss them only in that sense. It's easy when remembering how easy things were, to forget how limited they were as well. Essentially, if I want the personal freedom of a vehicle, I have to pay for it. If I want anything at all it's going to cost me, so I may as well find a way to acquire it. The problem probably surfaced when I blurred the line between money and no money, need and want. Wanting things was somehow easier when I had no means to acquire them. I just got used to having wishes that won't come true. I may have over compensated for that by the time my name appeared on that very first credit card. Suddenly want was justified, I was surrounded by toys, and committed to a growing and seemingly endless parade of minimum payments. Each making little to no dent in the increasing bottom line that I now owed to several miscellaneous lenders. I am now inches from turning 25. I seem regularly surprised by tiny revelations such as how long it's been since I graduated high school, how long I've known some of my friends, how many of my friends are married, getting married, or having children. I don't feel old per se, but sometimes certain things make me feel it. It's always little and simple things too. And it always seems to tie back to my gradual transition from irresponsible child to over burdened adult. I'm still young so I remember vividly playing Nintendo and riding bikes with all these people I now know as successful adults. I constantly compare my current situation and somehow feel as though I am beginning to fall behind. But fall behind what? If I took a different path, as every single person does, then I have nothing to compare myself to. Although comparisons to those around me will obviously arise, and I guess based on the fact that everyone does it, comparisons are a normal part of assessing one's own situation, I still find it difficult to by happy with my current standing. Now when I try to examine the cause of that overall comparison, I always come back to my carefree childhood and the defeat it suffered at the hands of the real world. My money situation is strong enough to keep me focused on it with little time for anything else. No time for anything "carefree". I tend to feel that life can be exactly as it was, if only I had been smart enough to accept that nothing has really changed. I just have to pay for more things now. Instead of maintaining my lifestyle and paying for it, I upped it a notch so that I couldn't afford it. All the while I could have been perfectly happy with things as they were, and I may have even saved some time to have a little fun on the side. Now I'm just having a good time but still paying for the good times of the last few years. It's easy for me to pretend those years were not worth it. Mostly because they are gone now. But if I need to make myself feel better I can usually come up with something. I'd prefer not to move forward from this point with the need for delusions to comfort me. Reading back in my journal on this site, I must have come up with a dozen desperation plans to resolve my monetary obligations. Obviously I'm still here and still stuck with them. It seems the things I need to change most will always stay the same. 07-OCT-2004 CATHOLICISM WOW! Recently I attended my very first Catholic ceremony. This was a unique experience for me, as I was naturally torn between the happiness of the occasion and my own difficulty dealing with organized religion and everything that comes with it. I personally find myself feeling uncomfortable when presented with God's glory, or surrounded by those who believe in it rather heavily. As someone who was essentially raised athiest, and leans heavily toward Buddhism if forced to choose a more spiritual path, I've obviously been surrounded my more mainstream religions all my life. As any rational human being should, I do my best to accept everyone else's choices - so long as they are not trying to sell it to me, nor use it as justification for hurting me or anyone I love. With that said, my first impressions of the church and it's general decor were good. I was never a fan of religion, but I am nearly awe-struck by some of the things it has been used as an excuse to build. This church was amazingly beautiful, the architecture spoke more to me than the priest who unfortunately had a lot to say about the Catholic faith and its application to todays young married couples. Those thoughts were basically as follows: First, you have to get married in the Catholic church. As in, inside of a church. Getting married down by the lake or in another setting would not be acceptable. This is because - as I understand it - you need the collected strengths and love of all your good Catholic friends and family, joined together in the eyes of God (the church) to wish you well into your new married life. Some other reasons for the church itself being God's preferred hang-out may have made their way into that explanation, but I'll admit this is the point I paid the least attention to. Even if I missed that whole explanation in its entirety, It doesn't seem to jive with my previous impression that God is everywhere. WIthout going further into the "church is a symbol" debate, illustrating that the church itself is only a building that can represent more powerful things and concepts, such as community, family, strength in belief, etc., I would at least argue that I've heard the God is everywhere approach one too many times to believe that it's only discarded conveniently at specific times. Granted, if you were ever going to worry that he might not be watching, it may as well be your wedding. In which case you may as well go ahead and take the necessary precaution of holding the ceremony in a church to insure his blessing. Regardless, it seemed a little tacked-on at the time to reinforce the church itself as a requirement of God. At the risk of losing any credibility by bringing The Simpsons into a semi-serious commentary, I think Homer said it best when he told God that he was going to skip church and basically just hang around and worship him "in his own way". As it turned out, God wasn't a big fan of the reverend anyway. Which I found amusing. In any case, it seemed that without directly saying it, the best reason to include the church itself was simply to keep funding it. That's not an accusation of course, just my impression at the time. The second thought that was interjected into the ceremony is an oldie but a goodie. Human sexuality. At least, that's how it was carefully put. This is something that I could beat to bloody death if I wanted too. I don't think it's really worth derailing this thought though. What bothers me specifically about this topic at this specific time and place was its total lack of relevance. It more or less functioned as a reinforcement for an already captive audience. "Don't be gay because it's wrong" hardly applies to the straight couple getting married. It was merely a reminder to the audience that any latent homosexual desires might want to be re-thought before it's too late. Bearing in mind it's a choice, of course. Again, to be fair, everything relating to this tangent was very carefully stated. Nothing was exactly said outright, but the implications were crystal clear. As I mentioned, it served only as reinforcement for members of a faith that have each already committed themselves to its ideals. On one hand the damage is probably done. On the other, it will be a long time before acceptance of people who are different than you becomes common if this keeps up. "Children are a gift." Those were the exact words. Children are a gift. They are not a decision to be made. They are not something to "plan". They are a gift from God. Of the three arguments made, this was the least vague. In fact, it was quite plainly stated that children are simply not something to think about at all. They are something that you just need to let happen. No worries of course, God has everything planned for you! Don't make mention of the importance of parental responsibility. Don't bother to stress the need for proper preparedness in regards to one of the biggest and most important decisions you will ever make as a human being. Just let it happen! It's the in thing to do. So now that we are so well versed at populating the planet with our offspring, how many children are living below the poverty line? How many parents aren't cut out to be just that? How popular is this country among child murder and suicide rates? Does that have anything to do with everyone and their mother cranking out baby after baby? Well, those issues all have a lot of debatable theories behind them. Too many kids is only one of many contributing factors. And again, there are two sides to everything I've mentioned here. Not everyone who cranks out kids is in bad shape. There are plenty of insanely large families out there - a few of them I know myself - that are composed of perfectly wonderful and productive members of society. But regardless, the simple statement that parenthood doesn't require a moment of thought is absurd, offensive, and wrong. In addition, it has the potential to populate the earth with unprepared or uncaring parents. The results of which could range from neglected yet well-adjusted children who grow into well-adjusted adults to maladjusted, psychotic children that were of course neglected, that grow into maladjusted psychotic adults. So hey, you win some, you lose some. So long as they are all Catholic, it obviously doesn't matter. 19-AUG-2004 UNLIKABLE
To begin with, my positions on lying and deception have both been made fairly clear in previous notes on this site. My decision to commit myself to the truth, regardless of whether it is interpreted as truth or not by the recipient, is based on the simplicity of allowing others to go their own way, wIthout influence from me. Telling someone the truth when they don't want to hear it will only encourage them to further reject it, in order to pursue their own pre-committed beliefs. For this I take no responsibility. It can be said that because of this, I have the truth on my side. Which has been a lucky thing for me on an occasion or two. Although there may be a certain irony to the idea that it may have been my penchant for truth saying that got me into hot water a time or two as well. And often times these times overlap, if you follow. One benefit that comes from my experience with all this is my ever growing ability to map the mental workings of others, as they attempt to lead me down the path to their truth. Which may or may not be the real truth. Remember that a little white lie is easy to fall for when it's delivered to you properly. It's the large-scale schemes that need to be much more tightly orchestrated. Otherwise they will unravel around you, and the jig is up. Which brings us back to lunch. Let the unraveling begin. Mistake number one: The subject was brought up randomly, deliberately, and out of nowhere. It did not pertain to the conversation at hand, and was therefore automatically detected as suspicious. How long had the words been floating around in that brain before they were finally delivered out of impatience or desperation? Or lack of a smooth opportunity that could have slipped below the radar. Whatever the case, a lack of tact and suave social skills will not serve to help the cause here. Two: Pretending not to know about something that you do know about can be tricky. When doing so, it's best to attach emotion when expected. If something is surprising for example, you would want to fake surprise in order to remain convincing. If confusing, act confused. And so on. Delivering a random observation, already in question because it was too random, and not seeming at all phased by the potential effects, is two strikes in a row. Now, in specific relation to number two: This does not apply to all people. It's only fair to assume that people who are seemingly unfazed by most things, or have an odd or rather irritating way of expressing themselves, can get away with this. Let's just say it will come down to a judgement call, depends on the person, depends on the situation, etc. In my case, I could have let it go. But combined with number one, it served to keep me on guard. Three: Leading the answers. If mistake number two holds true, and you believe your attacker to already know what they are pretending not to know, then don't reveal any answers. It will only require a short moment of silence for them to fill in the blanks for you. This was the case today. Key points that I could have easily revealed were held back momentarily, just in time for the attacker to admit they were already known. By this point, it is nearly pointless for me to be involved in the conversation. The attacker is merely conversing alone, out loud. All the while fueling the fire for my doubts. Four: Someone else already blew it for you - months ago, actually. Timing becomes more important the longer you wait. If you are going to leave a gap between the incident and the random lunch that you decide to bring it up, it would be helpful to know what others have already revealed. When two persons are involved, things are far more complicated. make sure you know what your collaborator has revealed before you put yourself in harms way. This part becomes a little more specific, as it pertains to my specific experience and may not apply to the general topic at hand. Try to follow along, as I am going to remain mostly vague. When my situation arose in the first place, it was due to someone reacting to something I said. The fact that this person simply stumbled across that exact something was far too random. Again, mistake number one. It was so unlikely that my words in general found this person, let alone the specific words that elicited said reaction, that I was immediately curious as to the chain of events that set it off. Later in the conversation mistake number two came along, although it was not exactly in the form that I outlined earlier. This mistake two was not pretending not to know something, but rather pretending to know something. So as to eliminate my curiosity as to what really set this all off. Trouble is this person really fucked that up. A source was given as to how the information was discovered. A time was given that fortunately for me was known to be a total impossibility. This was the essence of that mistake number two. A reason given that cannot be possible can only be an attempt at covering up the real source. Obviously at this point I was even more curious. So that, in its entirety, is the process that allowed for mistake number four to occur at lunch. When someone else has failed miserably to keep certain information a secret, and you decide to bring it up out of nowhere, despite that fact that you were assumed to be unconnected to it, and long after the issue is done and over, you've admitted your connection and revealed yourself as the real source of information. Which, not to anyone's surprise was what I had deduced months earlier anyway using the information I had at that time. Now you've just up and sealed the deal by stumbling clumsily through four obvious mistakes and amusing me with your continually expanding vacuum of intelligence. This whole entire experience for me hasn't taught me much about people that I didn't already know. Overall, I find most people to be unlikable. And this scenario is only one reason among many. I do strive to admit failure and see flaws in others and myself as both a requisite of being human, and something to improve on. But I also apply a careful honesty to my words. When they get me in trouble, I face my situation and use the same truth that got me into it to get me out. This works because I believe what I say, and I will stand behind my words. Everything that I say has a reason, and so far I've had no trouble explaining myself to anyone. I am straight-forward and hide nothing. It pains me to spend time and tolerance on those who would prefer to put others in harm, and then try to hide their responsibility. But I've also come to expect it from many people. Other than expressing it in words here, you won't hear me bitch, complain, or try to get you to admit your fault. I enjoy the fact that I know things you think I don't. You are who you are, and I expect everyone to be just as they are. I'll do my part as a human being to accept your flaws along with mine. And try to make the best of what you can give, and what I can give. But although I strive for this compassion, I will continue to view you as both deceptive and weak. And I can assure you that to me, and to others, you will remain as most people, unlikable. 15-JUL-2004 SYSTEM As I sit here, cramming lunch into a short 30 minute envelope that follows morning work and precedes afternoon work, I often drift into fantasy about when I will find meaning in what I do. It seems apparent to me that most people are not happy. This is not meant to be overly dramatic. I am not suggesting the world is depressed and suicidal. But I do think that most of us - and perhaps by "us" I am referring only to those in my city, state, country, etc. that I am directly able to observe and can best relate to - are struggling to find something more for ourselves. This idea is nowhere near new, but relevant still. Obviously I am one of these people. Somewhere between entertaining youthful notions of being an architect or a film maker or a writer I got distracted, got into debt and got a normal job. Two jobs later I remain in a perpetual state of indifference, not sinking any lower but certainly not rising to any ambitious opportunities. Or at least not succeeding at any one I may believe to be an ambitious opportunity. I feel like the Red Queen sometimes, for those familiar with the reference. At some point it became clear that I have merely fit myself into a neutral slot within this system. I don't make a difference in either a negative or a positive sense. I simply exist within it, work hard to remain in the same place, and am never able to work hard enough to move up. This equates to my dissatisfaction, my unhappiness. Now as I sit here, reflecting on the time I don't have and the money I don't have, and further still, what I would or could do with that precious time if I did have it, I am naturally prone to feelings of hopelessness. Coupled with my previous presumption that most people feel this way, I naturally begin to paint my picture of the human race as a widespread perpetual struggle against all odds. Again, I don't want to dramatize what is actually normal, boring life as a depressing void of emptiness. But I do want to acknowledge that there must be something more. And if there isn't, we need to collectively rethink what it is that we are all working so hard for. What it is we are all fighting for, getting angry for, killing for, etc. Maybe that is what makes us happy. I don't get it, personally. But that doesn't mean I'm not missing the point, if there is one. Maybe I should try to play along for awhile. Maybe I should settle in to the system and relax, allowing that neutrality to run its course. Maybe I shouldn't care. 22-MAY-2004 ROLES It's easy to assume we know each other. It's easy to accept the roles we play. With that in mind it is easy to deceive someone. And deception is as good as truth to a willing recipient. I've been out of high school for 6 years, I was in it for 4. I guess that means it's been 10 years since I gave up something I was very good at. Lying. When I was a Freshman I had a memorable run-in with an authority figure which woke me up to something. The truth is deceptive. I can tell you what I want, and you will only believe what you want to. So I may as well just tell you the truth, because nothing really matters when your mind is closed. This teacher in particular caught me being an ass more or less. She told me to meet with her at the end of the day, which I did. She asked me what the problem was, I told her directly and with a rather cold seriousness that I was an ass. She nervously laughed me off as a clown and that was pretty much the end of that. I could have struggled for a viable excuse, and an apology vowing to never be an ass again. But a confession eliminates those options. It didn't leave her anywhere to go, and I left strangely enough with both her respect, and the option to remain an ass. Everyone seems to know that human beings are flawed. I wonder why we hold each other to such high standards then? If I wanted to hurt you and you asked me so, I would tell you yes. Then you wouldn't believe me anyway, so I'd be in an even better position to do so. If I denied it, you wouldn't believe me and you'd become suspicious. Wondering when I was going to get around to it. It seems as though lying is just as damaging as disbelief. If we refuse to lie, we can't be held responsible for others disbelief and the problems that ensue. With this, it seems that the roles we play are up to everyone but us. If we can be true to ourselves and true to others, and no one believes us, does anything we do or believe really matter anyway? 26-APR-2004 THE MAN It's obvious to me that throughout my entire adult and/or professional life, a singular and powerful force has existed with one purpose: to keep me down. While this force cannot be specifically labeled and does not take on any one form, it does exist. It can be circumstance. It may be your parents, your job, your friends, your town. It could be anything and any combination of various other anythings. Usually the more complex it grows, the easier it is for it to keep you down. It relies on multiple angles and conditions to make sure that all options you have for advancement are carefully checked and balanced by other obligations or inconveniences. An easy example of this is owning a motor vehicle. For the average person, the addition of a car to one's possessions will not only add the responsibility of a car payment, but will also create additional costs for fueling the vehicle, maintaining the vehicle, insuring the vehicle, and eventually repairing the vehicle. While for most people the requirement of a personal vehicle is undisputed, there are many who could do without, resulting in a significant decrease in financial obligations, time requirements, and perhaps overall stress levels. This idea extends into many things. If you buy a DVD player you will want to buy DVDs. Perhaps eventually you will want a bigger TV or nicer speakers. If you buy a computer you will want to subscribe to internet service. Then once you're on the internet, you may find a site that you want to subscribe to - for a small monthly fee. It will keep going and going, and never stop. Now, take these obligations which all grow more intricate and intertwined as you add more, and factor in our mysterious force, which we shall call "The Man." What The Man does is keep you tied down. It all starts very slowly and simply, you need some things and you want others. You get them. But The Man is not about personal possessions or material obligations. He is the force that does not allow you to exceed the things you need - or think you need - to be comfortable treating yourself to the things you want. When I get a bonus at work, or do something on the side to generate more income, something suddenly happens that I need to tend to. I'll either need to fix my car or pay for oral surgery. Something, anything will happen so that just when I think I'm getting ahead, I'm right back where I started. Perpetually in the middle, never gaining ground, always just surviving but never breathing easy. This is The Man saying to me, "Gotcha! You're really fucked now!" with a menacing smile on his face. Since he has no form, I cannot strike back at him. And since the many things that now tie me down are so diverse and far-spread, it is overwhelming to try to reduce them, which would make it harder for The Man to keep me down. I don't have a solution to all of this yet, but I am working on one. Keep in mind I am well aware that eliminating DVD players and computers and other big toys and expenses would subdue this viscous circle, but that is not the point. The idea is that The Man exists at all levels of your struggle, and no matter how low or high you are, he will do everything he can to make sure you stay there, should you ever desire to rise even a notch above your current standing. The desire to be successful and prosperous is a natural human trait, and everyone defines that very differently. Therefore no matter what you want, no matter how simple or extravagant it may be, he will be standing there. In your way. 04-APR-2004 NUMB There is a lot of beauty in the world that I can't touch. It surrounds my every thought, desire, and hope. It reminds me that I'm numb to it's potent scent, it's endless reach, it's deceptive words. It's with me in the light of morning, and it follows me all day. I sense it in coffee and beer but I don't exactly taste it. I try to hold it but it's like the wind. It passes through me. It sees me without looking. I grow older and slower with every day lost. I ache, I'm sore. I spend time I don't have on people that will never look back for me. I help them. I take care of them. I do favors. I ask nothing. I want nothing. And if I needed anything, I would get nothing. I am drained, weak, empty. I don't feel the right things. I know they are here with me, but they are shut off to me. Or I am shut off to them. I have nothing left to give. And no one stayed to ask for more. I am trying to turn all of this around. It would be so much easier not to care about anyone, and not to help anyone but myself. I could spend each moment looking for all that beauty that evades me. Maybe I could even find some. Touch something, smell something, feel something. Anything. Nothing is really possible. Everything just happens. We just get used to it, grow old. Accept it. Live through it. I keep trying to change everything but everything will always be the same. 14-JAN-2004 OFF I GO AGAIN Two more weeks and I'm moving. Again. This will be move number 4 in less than 3 years. And move number 7 in my life. I guess by this point I should be used to it. I'm starting to notice that every single time I am nearly settled in, just when I'm about to call somewhere else "home", I abandon it. I abandon it for convenience, inconvenience, hurt, hope, or optimism. As much as I have grown to love the current "home", I am at least happy to admit that this move is based on optimism. The situation is this: I am gaining roommates. Good roommates, one of which is my brother. The other two are good people that I'm glad to know. Between the four of us I am expecting to gain some space, a garage, and savings in rent. It feels like step number one in 2004's journey of repairs. Of all my moves in the past, I can only say that I have gained experience in life. I seem to have distinct ideas on what to do and what not to do in future ventures. While I am in no position to see the future, I both want and need to commit to this new home for a long time. The longer I can sit still, the better off I'll be when time and energy are needed for other life projects. Besides, I want a house of my own someday so I can rip out walls and extend my physical world beyond my brain, my imagination. Outside of this website and my little purple notebook. I have to get everything in order... 24-DEC-2003 POP IDOL RESPECT The other day I was over at Matty-J's and noticed the new issue of Maxim on his coffee table. The cover was Michelle Branch wearing a piece of leather no bigger than my wallet to cover her ass. It's possible that at sometime in the recent past I had respect of some kind for Michelle Branch. I say possible, and some kind, because now that I think about it I don't really know. I'm sure that back when she came on the scene I was relieved I wasn't facing another Brittany or Christina, ever skimpy, overly annoying and readily thrust in my face and ears at every turn through the commercial world. The fact that she was presented as a nice normal girl who could actually play an instrument, and actually wrote her own songs must have said something to me. Long gone were my high school days of falling in love with Tori Amos and Fiona Apple for all the right reasons. I had faced the teen-pop princess abomination and perhaps even survived it unscathed. But even so, I'll never get that rush back from anyone, I'm certain of it. While I hold Tori to a high degree, and Christina by comparison I would step on, Michelle was somewhere in between. Which I guess would have to do. That said, Michelle took a dive down to boot level when she gave it up for Maxim. While a certain part of me wants to understand that celebrities are objects, and we treat them that way because they give it up for Maxim, another part of me is dying to look up to them for an actual reason, and hates them when they substitute the absence of that reason with their own flesh. 23-NOV-2003 THE PEOPLE AROUND ME It's amazing to me still the effect that others can have over me. It's as if I am a completely neutral person, floating around and bouncing off of others. Only to feel charged by the good people around me and completely put off by other wastes of flesh. Overall it makes me feel over impressionable and somewhat helpless. This is because my emotional state is now in the hands of everyone around me. Everyone but me. The ability to have a good attitude or to maintain a positive outlook overall is not something that involves my strengths or my personal philosophies. It simply requires the person next to me to be in a good mood and me knowing it. I am an empathic dependent. The same is occurring in relation to the opposite. I know a lot of people who have a hard time having a good time when others around them are a drag. But I feel I'm on the next level. It seems like recently it only takes one person to ruin my day. One person who may not even matter. One person who may have nothing to do with me outside of a random passing. The results of which are wishing for someone happy to come along and fix everything. Pathetic and useless because I can't do it myself anymore. The only element of control that I can exercise over all of this is the people around me. And that usually doesn't get me very far. The groups I run with are my choosing only on personal time. This does not apply to work situations or general social situations. There are still too many variables in this equation for me to handle with ease. And seclusion, although not the answer, seems like the best option. 05-SEP-2003 AWAKENING In the days following a new awakening, everything is different. Everything you see now is for the first time, with new eyes. Everything is calm and slow. And nothing will ever be what it was. It's hard to understand what defines us. This makes it hard to change. The elements that make us who we are, or who we pretend to be, may seem obvious. But they are often lost in the shadows of a bigger picture. In those shadows they slowly fade and become forgotten. We can no longer isolate them or effect them. And since it is too much work to change the bigger picture at hand, we give up on ourselves. We become locked in to our path. Seemingly destined to follow it forever. Wherever it may take us. In the days leading up to a new awakening, we are forcing ourselves to find these things again. To see them for how they are effecting us. We need to shatter them, and sift through the broken pieces. Retaining the good elements, and eliminating the bad. All the while hoping we can stay together throughout the process. Hopefully ready to accept the change. I have been apart recently. And for the past several days I have been slowly opening my eyes. Nothing is the same. Or maybe it's just me. 15-AUG-2003 REACTION On Lincoln Memorial Drive this evening, there was a woman rollerblading. And she was dancing. I'm not sure what coordination was involved and how. But she was cruising the path on skates while shaking and grooving like there was no tomorrow. It took me exactly one half second to smile and laugh. And exactly one more half second to realize I was suddenly very happy. I was laughing because she was having a great time and it was obvious. She was fully immersed in being herself, and doing her own damn thing. All despite the fact that she stuck out like a grown woman dancing on rollerblades along a bike path. The second half of this thought is about myself. Because I realized another thing as a result of my own caught-off-guard emotional reaction. I am becoming, in some way, a better person. I know with absolute certainty that there was a time, not long in the past, where I would have been laughing at her. I would have thought she was lame or stupid. I would have laughed because she looked ridiculous to me, not because I was generally happy for her. I am so happy that this has happened to me. The intolerance of others for no reason is something I have to witness endlessly. In people that I know, and in people all around me in general. Nothing could be more baseless. It's the persons in this world that worry about other peoples differences that block potential relationships and friendships from forming. It prevents understanding and learning. It is holding everyone back. And it is usually the result of the attackers own insecurities. I'm happy that I won't be a part of the divide anymore. And that I will no longer hold anything back. And I apologize to everyone for the past, where I was most likely, on more than one occasion, an ignorant and closed human being. 23-JUL-2003 BEAUTY I was confronted the other day by a simple and elegant personification of beauty. She was captivating. She was graceful. I won't ever call anyone perfect. But you know that's how you feel about it at times. The events unfold as such. I was at the gym. And I was doing situps. She was standing directly in front of me. She was practicing yoga. I do yoga. I have been in and out of a few classes, and I have seen some impressive things that will most likely be forever outside of my physical capabilities. So that said, I have an undying respect for anyone who can make it look easy, not to mention beautiful. Here is the girl in a cryptic matter-of-fact description: She was thin. She was black. She wore black. She was tall, maybe as tall as me. Which makes most positions even more difficult to accomplish. She was pretty, but when she took her form she graduated from a pretty girl to a breathing moment of art. It was absolutely inspiring. On the way home I had to listen to some jackass scream at the car in front of him for driving too slow. I neutralized the pollution that he was emanating and returned to thoughts of the yoga girl. All in my world was at peace. 16-JUL-2003 I MISS THE TRAINS During the last 18 months, I have lived in 3 different places. Each for 6 months at a time. First the loft in the Third Ward, then the house in Riverwest, and now my current house on the East Side. I have been here for over 7 months now, and it feels a bit weird not to be packing for the next place. I started recently to feel perfectly in place about this new home, despite the fact that I am again considering moving. It is as if I can't remember any of my previous worlds. Where as once they were everything, they are now not even a memory. It is odd to me to think that not long ago, I went to work at a different place. I was driving a different car. Hanging out with a few different people. Seeing something else out of my front window. I called some other place "home." I have all the same stuff around me, and all the same twisted ideas that rattle around in the same head. I just rest that head somewhere different each night. Last night I woke up to a beautiful thunderstorm. I didn't know if I was dreaming or if it was real, but for an instant I remembered waking up to the trains in the Third Ward. Two homes ago, I lived in a fourth floor loft. The building was cornered by train tracks, and every night I was lulled to sleep by the beautiful hum of the iron giants as they ripped down the rails. I could let them break the silence and lift me up, only to be set back down into the middle of an intense industrial dream. I think it was the first time I started to lose sense of where I am now. Is it really now? Am I in the past or just dreaming about it? I started to understand that there are little things that I am leaving behind as I continue to move forward and not look back. There are little parts of memories that are going to find their way back to me eventually. I hope I left something good behind that comes back to me. Right now I don't feel like I am setting myself up for a pleasant future. I miss the trains. I don't think I can dream like that anymore. 13-JUL-2003 MISSING PIECE I think I feel like the missing piece to a puzzle with nothing else left. That once showed a picture of something wrong, or something awful. The last remaining part to a big mistake. Hopefully forgotten. Probably ignored. I wonder if they'll ever try to find the rest of me. 08-JUL-2003 FLUKES A fluke to me is something beautiful and amazing.... that was never meant to be. A momentary lapse in reality that whisks us off to temporary perfection. A tear in the normal world that you get thrown into, discovering an intense sense of love and happiness that you were previously not capable of even imagining. Only to be thrown back. I have been thinking intently lately on standard optional coffee house bullshit. Things that don't matter, but make you sound like you matter when you are speaking passionately about them out loud in a public setting. Things like my place on earth and my place in the world. my life, my death. Who I am now and who I will be when I'm done. Things like happiness and sadness and weakness and strength. Things that can make or break us. Things that matter and others that don't. Flukes. Flukes in the otherwise well adjusted and habitual life that I lead. Flukes that effect the emotion that is otherwise stable and understood. Flukes that make black look like white and make apathy a beautiful glimmer of sunshine, increasing intensity until nothing but light and warmth are felt. Flukes that hurdle me from a grey heart to what can only be loosely described as love. For lack of a less devastating word. Flukes that fuck me up when they reveal themselves for just that. What they are. A fluke. Again, for lack of a better word. I hope that nothing is as it seems. 04-JUL-2003 HUGS I found myself thinking about sticky, sweaty hugs. Summer is finally upon Wisconsin. And with summer in the Midwest comes a certain degree of humidity and "wet heat". It is something that our lucky friends in warmer states with dry desert heat can't understand until they come out here for a taste. In any case, I have found that with the long-awaited improvement of the weather, I have been continually warned by more than one person that they are "all sweaty and gross." This cautionary statement is always blurted out as my arms extend for a friendly embrace. You see, I am a huggy person. Anyone who knows me knows this, as they have very likely been hugged by me at one time or several times in the past. This is because hugs are amazing. Everyone should give and receive them as often as possible. It is the most simple, yet effective gesture that can be shared. It's also why I won't back down when the heat is on. Nothing should stop a good hug. Nor should a good hug be tainted by the soaked, perspiring bodies that initiate it. It is my thought that the more toasty, sweaty, and sticky you are, the more intense the hug will feel. As it will then become a part of the energies and forces at hand that were responsible for getting you into that state of physical wear in the first place. So dammit people, squeeze harder already. Don't be so afraid to feel something. You may have guessed that this was all brought on by a wonderful, meaningful, hot and sticky hug that I recently shared. It was a day ago already, but I still feel it. 25-JUN-2003 T2 / T3 This whole T2 thing is clickin in my head. Once upon a time, there was this filmmaker named James Cameron. He made good movies with good stories. Then, he stopped making good films with good stories and started just adding his movies to the Hollywood pile. The pile I don't care about. The thing about T2 is this: It's a good movie. It has this beautiful underside that reminds us all how we are violent, worthless human pieces of trash and we should really just give it all up. It makes me think of The Matrix and of the Fifth Element in the sense that it is this visually pleasing sci-fi adventure, and then beneath it all is a reminder that we need to wake up before it's too late for all of us. The best example of this, of course is The Day the Earth Stood Still. The ultimate ultimatum movie. But anyway, my thought right now is this. All you people who saw T2 once upon a time, and simply remember guns and liquid metal - should watch it again. It's a great film. And at present I am worried about its upcoming sequel, which despite everything I just said, probably would have been better off with Cameron on board. It's strange to think that Arnold is at it once more without Cameron's story or direction. Their first two collaborations were excellent. And, even so I have been hearing good things about this upcoming installment. I guess I'll know soon enough. |
