EriqX / Journal 2003

31-DEC-2003

Today was a hat day. Work was slow, at least I left early. I'm wrapping up an entire year here. I think it will make more sense to reflect when it's over. So I'll get back to that...

28-DEC-2003

Xmas came and went as it tends to do year after year. This particular go at it was perfectly wonderful. The fam is good. I feel good. The usual traditions held up. Ian, Hannah and I started it out by hitting Speedway for the holiday "donut and coffee", which has as of last year become an ice cream cookie sandwich. Since Speedway doesn't seem to want to provide donuts on xmas anymore. And, I'm the only one who drinks coffee amongst my siblings. So that said, the tradition is trudging forward if not in a slightly modified and/or mutated form.

The tear open presents part of the day was good as well. I think Hannah is really thrilled that I gave her and mom a Game Cube. I'm sure I'll be over there playing it plenty myself anyway.

After that, everyone but Hannah went to see Secondhand Lions at the Value Cinema, which was really good by the way. That wrapped up our xmas movie tradition. After I had lots of fatty goodness in place of dinner.

The past few days off have been spent mostly on beer and video games. Which, I guess since I'm on vacation I can spend it on whatever I want. I was introduced to Space Channel 5 by Mike and Jessica, which I suggest anyone with a Dreamcast or PS2 try. It's the most psychodelic fun I've had playing a newer video game in a long time. And, the fact that Scott was deep frying everything we could find made the evening quite entertaining.

So now, the only thing I need to do is finish the pre-move cleaning. I've been making sure to rid myself of needless crap these past few days off. And since I'm still off tomorrow I better have a tidy little existence by then.

24-DEC-2003

The Eve is upon us. I woke this morning at the normal time and drove off to work. Five hours later I was driving to my parents house for the standard xmas eve activities. The hours spent between while at work featured yours truely doing absofuckinglutely nothing. Well, that's not entirely true. I did spend some time on a project only to have it shot down in the interest of ignorance and delusion. I'll present my argument next week, I was not in the mood to do it today. And hey, maybe I'm just in a bad mood altogher and I won't even care next week. Hell, maybe I'll be dead by next week anyway. You never know when that bus is gonna come careening out of control.

Aside from that little adventure, I am currently listening to The Long Winters while egg nog rots in my stomach. I am looking forward to the gift giving tomorrow. I have not showered my family with gifts since I gave them an iMac 3 years ago. I've been poor ever since. And although I still consider myself both poor and money-stupid, I felt it was time to go all-out. It should be a fun holiday, despite the fact that I hate Christmas in a general sort of way. More or less because I see my family all the time and get along with them wonderfully. Christmas is no different for any of us, aside from the fact that we spent more money on it. The part that actually matters is present in my life at all times. So I have nothing extra to look forward to, and I consider that a good thing.

20-DEC-2003

Reading my previous entry, I guess that a week can make a lot of difference. This morning I signed a one-year lease for a house on the east side. Ian, Michelle, Cheryl and myself are officially roommates as of February 1st, 2004. I will miss this place, it's the longest I've lived in any one location in over 3 years. But regardless, I am looking forward to less rent, as well as all the other benefits of this venture. So that said, I'm expecting cleaning and packing will take up alot of time over the course of January.

Now that the living situation is at least finalized, I have work to do in other aspects of life. But of course, I am in one-thing-at-a-time mode. I have no desire to repeat my past experiences of altering every angle at once. It gets to be too much.

Xmas is basically handled as well. All gifts are aquired, and all but 2 are wrapped. All I need to do is trudge through 2 and a half days of work this week, and I'll be sipping gas station coffee and eating a donut with Ian and Hannah in no time. I love my version of holidays, and no one elses.

13-DEC-2003

Well, today is a big joke off to a slow start. I'm sleepy, and I've been browsing the net and eating cereal in hopes that something better will come along.

I spent last night house hunting once again with the trio of potential roommates. My worst fear at this point is that we will not succeed in our mission. Half of us refuse to live in a closet, while the other half of us refuse to spend slightly more than absolutely nothing. It's a problem so far, but we still have time to find that perfect medium. There are still a number of places to see, so as usual I'll update as things happen.

Aside from the house-hunting scene, I'm on trying my hand at the familiar prepare-to-move pre-cleaning. Filing, cleaning, organizing and throwing shit away always feels good. So in a very pathetic sorta way, I'm feeling good today. Despite that fact that I'm lazy, bored, tired and mostly useless.

10-DEC-2003

The search for a new home evolved from hypothetical idea to possible reality tonight as Ian, Michelle, Cheryl and myself met at Green Dragon to discuss the situation at hand. We finished the needed blah blah along with our tasty vegetarian sandwiches and set out to look at our first east side target. We have two more showings scheduled for tomorrow, and another on Friday. As much as I could do without moving for the 4th time in 2 years, I intend to cut my rent in half if this goes as planned. If I can save that much money and actually pay off some bills, I may have less to bitch about on this little blog of mine. Something to look forward to I guess.

07-DEC-2003

The weekend is off to a great start. Friday night I met up with Mike at Vox for some good beer and good conversation. Jessica joined us mid-way and the evening continued to entertain. I took them both on the hunt to find Circa and they both ended up loving the place more than I would have imagined. We had another great round of conversations and beer before calling it a night.

Saturday morning I went house / apartment hunting with Ian, as our search for a new home is getting more serious. We found alot of places, got alot of numbers, and took one tour of an amazing east side 4-bedroom. Time was short because I had to get off to paintballing...

Which was fucking excellent. Mike, Brittain, Jessica and I met up to find Paint Ball Sams in Racine. There we met up with Barry and Ashley, Sean, Jason and a number of Sean's coworkers. I managed to kill a fair amount of my friends in the 4 hours spent there. I also got shot in the eye, the neck, and the ass. There is still a welt on my neck, special thanks to Jessica for that one. I put up the group picture on the pictures page. For more pics on this outing, go to Paint Ball Sam's website. Click on Harry's Pictures, then Pictures, then on Saturday 12-06-03.

Today I'm just killing time until volleyball. So far I've given myself a haircut and a new color, red. I think I need a burrito...

04-DEC-2003

It is supposed to snow now. How exciting for miserable midwesterners everywhere. I'm of the opinion that if I could tackle the emotional hurdle of abandoning my family, friends, and the familiarity of my current stomping ground, I would be comfortable in a far away desert. It's nice to know I'm not bound here by my possessions alone, in true Fight Club style. The opportunity to eject my current reality and land in a new one has yet to present itself. Although I will admit, I have yet to go looking for it either.

At present, work is chaos. We have remodeled extensively, and the disarray that has ensued is a force I must contend with. Another result of all this is a new desk and a new location to spend my working hours. I'm not sure how I like that yet, but I am remaining open minded to the change.

On the spending front, I am nearly complete in my xmas gifting, and my car requires attention. I have purchased 4 new tires with money I did not have, so as to see that I will not die as the result of a future horrible accident caused by completely bald tires exploding at highway speeds. My current tires are obviously in need of replacement in the worst way, so the purchase was justified. This however is just the start. I have an O2 sensor to replace, along with an exhaust pipe in the very near future. I'll be glad to tend to these issues, as I regret almost on an emotional level any neglect that a vehicle must suffer as a result of my poverty. But again, it would be nice to find the solution to all of this soon. Or at least before I'm physically dead. Emotional death will most likely occur far earlier. And I can feel it closing in on me even now.

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of this site. Officially up and running since December 5th, 2002. While I have been responsible for past sites that have since passed their 5 year anniversay over various incarnations, I am pleased with the rapid progress of this site in such a short time. I hope for a successful second year as well, and for continued support from a surprisingly wide range of growing visitors. My most humblest of thanks to everyone who has crossed over this constant work-in-progress of mine. I am forever grateful to each and every one of you.

01-DEC-2003

Well, it's just past midnight. It's officially December. The last month of 2003 is here. I've just wrapped up a long 4-day weekend of putzing, cleaning, eating, and helping out others in the computer realm. I'm listening to The Avalanches while my tea steeps, and wondering.

Next year may be the same as this year. Which, as I recall was the same as the years previous. And so on. I was lucky enough in 2003 to realize the birth of a business with Matt and Mike, only to have it pulled right from under us. And I'm now wondering if I can approach an entire year with a sense of vengeance. If 2004 were going to be my bitch, what would I need to do differently to see that it stays that way? Should I really be this ambitious? I've tackled personal projects before, and succeeded in smaller steps. Is it time to dive in while youth and stregth are still on my weakening side?

I'm open to ideas...

27-NOV-2003

Happy turkey-day everyone. An expression thats irony I will ignore since I'm a vegetarian. I've got my bottle of Yellow-Tail cabernet sauvignon and my tasty Coke-Jello ready to go over to the parents house. I'm basically just happy to not be at work today, and the fact that I took off tomorrow is helpful too. I'm gonna spend most of it on the usual meaningless putzing. Web pages and cleaning, fast becoming the definition of my empty life.

Yesterday I had two high points in my existence. A Big Mike's sub for lunch, and hanging out with Carrie and watching Serial Mom. Walgreens didn't have Mint-Chip ice cream, so that was a small setback to the evening. But the rest was spent with Charlie's Angels just chillin and poking fun at the gimpy one. So that was pretty much that. I hope you like the tasty treat girls!

24-NOV-2003

It really doesn't take much anymore. I'm alone. I can't focus on anything worthwhile. I have to work out or run or eat or clean or do something every single second of every single day or I'll spiral into madness. I hate it. The mirror boy hates it too.

I spent alot of time keeping my mind off of me this weekend. I hung out with Charlie's Angels and ate tasty Judy's food and blew money on necessities at Target. The girls kept me in good spirits as they tend to do, and if I had a fucking pasta strainer I would be making them my crazy Coke Jello right now. But I don't, so instead I'm writing this and drinking beer while preparing to clean the kitchen and make some stir-fry. This is where it's all headed people. I'm drinking alone and cooking so I can afford to eat lunch at work all week.

After that was the Safe House downtown for Michelle Soko's big bad 21st. Good times all around. Jill and Brittain got somewhat drunk so it's a good thing I drove. I spent some time playing with glass and inhaling my favorite Undercover Girl. Happy birthday Michelle.

I hung out with Ian at the parents house on Sunday. We made a small dent in the needed cleaning of my former bedroom. It needs more work, but this is helping my needed developement of the anti-packrat mentality. If I can carry this through to my own little home, I may be able to cleanse deep enough in the physical realm that it will effect my mental disarray in a positive way. But I have thought that before, and it has yet to happen. So in the interest of being realistic about things for a change, fuck it.

21-NOV-2003

Dinner with Megan and Tracy was good. Seeing little Asuka as not-so-little anymore was good. Friday is over and that's good. I said I was going to come up with something good to report by now. So there it was. Actually, I am nearly done with my xmas shopping and it's not even December yet. That is pretty impressive since I normally am a last minute shopper. This year we will be ok as far as my gift giving goes. I've got a load of coolness that I know the family will be cool with. So in a way it feels like I'm making up for the last two years of gift-lacking due to extreme poorness. Not that I'm not poor this year, I just don't care anymore. Especially after my review at work yesterday.

It's obvious I'm set to walk the earth for the rest of my days in the lowly and pathetic state I currently dwell on. Entities around me are moving on to bigger raises and bigger companies while I'm planning on moving into a bigger house so I can split the rent. The "do what you have to" mentality has taken over merely due to its necessity. And I am now becoming some sort of drone focused solely on an existance devoid entirely of excess wastes.

I hope I don't waste anything else besides my 20's suffering from and cleaning up this shit.

19-NOV-2003

The consumption of beer at TNM was a success. Not that it was a real risky plan or anything. U Turn played for 12 content viewers and conversation lasted until 1:30 AM for a select few including yours truly.

I'm wrapping up some thoughts here while I get ready to head down the block to Megan's house. It's spaghetti night from what I hear and I'm invited to slurp noodles and witness the massive growth of Asuka, her snake. The same Asuka I snake-sat for this past spring break. At that time she was hardly a tadpole. Now she's getting up in length.

Xmas is being taken in stride this year, with a few gifts already acquired for my short list of recipients. If I take it slow I won't feel a thing, or so I assume. With that massive looming holiday season gone come January, I'll be able to return my focus to not having any money. This is much better than not having any money and having gifts to buy. So if I continue this habit of looking at the lesser of every two evils I encounter, I will obviously be less depressed when I contemplate my bleak future.

Well anyway, fuck all that for now. I'm gonna go get the food on and hang with that pretty snake. I'll think of something good to write about next time.

17-NOV-2003

Woke up today feeling Monday pretty hard. Overslept of course, couldn't fall at first so I called in the NyQuil. No strange dreams that I can recall. But it put me out for close to 8. Made it to work just in time for a shitty day. I'm good to tolerate those around me as usual, and once again as we are all tired of hearing, I'm pretty sick of it. I made it out alive, feeling just as terrible as when I woke up. I went to workout anyway, feeling dizzy the whole time. Came home to a power out. Internet was down. Router was fucked up. Web site was down, which although I realize I don't have a cult following or anything like that, I get really pissed when my site has to be down. I don't know why. Let enough of today build up inside that I punched the wall. Really hard. The light fixture blinked out and when it came back on it was brighter. I thought that was strange. There's a knuckle-size hole I'm going to need to patch before I move out now. As usual a stupid decision leads to more trouble down the road. Let everything be a lesson. My hand felt good though, so it could have been worse. Not that I remember the last time anything hurt anyway. Well, anything physical. I thought washing dishes... for some reason, would be a good thing to occupy my mind. I broke the first glass I touched. It's amazing how far I'm spiraling now due to endless tiny and otherwise meaningless things. I took the shards and played with my arms for a while. Skin is my favorite canvas after all, and I cannot resist broken glass layed out for me. Nothing big though, it just itches now. After that the now brighter light burned out completely. I guess it was never meant to be so bright.

16-NOV-2003

Seems like a rare weekend. Mostly cause I don't remember much of it. My memory is some sort of fuzzy confusion for whatever reason. Woke up Friday and I couldn't exactly move. I have no idea what is wrong, but it was worse on Saturday. I don't feel sick, I just feel overly weak and helpless. It's actually quite pathetic if you ask me. I've spent most of my time cleaning the house, and putzing with the web pages. Not to mention a little PlayStation as well, there is always time for MegaMan.

Two nights ago I passed through Carrie, Angela, and Meg's Thanksgiving potluck party. Which was a great time because everyone was cool and I met even more good people to add to my good people list. I was at the peak of my weak-as-a-kitten phase then, so it was mildly amusing in that light. But still the night was enjoyed to maximum potential. My hat is off to Toni and Eric for coolest new people of the night award, it was a pleasure to meet you both. My heart is out to Meg for reasons you very well know, you are obviously strong and will surface on your feet.

At present I am enduring the pressure of four wisdom teeth compressing my skull and smooshing my brain. The resulting headache is nearly intolerable. I am also starting an outline for a new project, which hopefully due to the involvement of a few others will actually get done. As opposed to the infinite number of unfinished solo projects I currently list on my resume. This specific endeavor is a silent film spoof project. I have been researching classic Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin films this morning. But in all honesty, I have not found much to point me in the right direction. I feel a bit like Barton FInk - for those of you that understand that obscure reference. I will most likely need to approach this one from scratch, like I normally do anyway.

Again I am facing the opportunity to move. And although I truely have no desire to either leave this current "home" or gain roommates, I fear my financial situation at present will require this of me. The details of all this are yet to be worked out. Obvisouly details on this and the film project and every other little tidbit of my universe will find their way here. Until then, take care all.

13-NOV-2003

I'm not sure I know anything anymore. I don't know what I like and what I don't. Who I do and who I don't. It's all so rapidly become so much more complicated than it ever needed to be, and now I'm looking back wondering how anything ever got this far. I have lost the direction I so often sought with intense devotion. I have nothing I look forward to or plan on. I have no ideas that will take me anywhere. No ideas at all.

I'm pretending this is all so easy on everyone else. I'm sure it is for a few. But when a few seems like everyone you know, you suddenly become a small failure in a big world. In an instant you simply don't matter. To yourself, or anyone.

09-NOV-2003

Just got back from Chicago. I was on official work duty at the Show Biz Expo with Mike. We were representing Safe Harbor and Pinnacle Systems for the video-loving masses. I had a great time exploring downtown Chicago with Mike and checking out all the good places. The second night we were there, the good folks at Matrox invited us out for their night on the town. I had a great meal at Rosebud, and got my first taste of real blues at Kingston Mines - special thanks to Glen for being our Chicago tour guide. I also met and mingled with some damn awesome Canadians that have a taste for good films. So needless to say, I was in my element for a while. And hopefully I have successfully planted the Twin Peaks bug in yet another willing subject.

Beyond that recent adventure, which again was an excellent time, there is not much to report. I am faced with the usual things to catch up on now that I'm back home, sleeping in my own bed. Bills to pay and dishes, not too exciting.

28-OCT-2003

It's Tuesday. I'm cramming some soup and bread down my throat in a last second effort to cure my recent bout with whatever illness is going around. On the happy side, I found soup from Campbell's that actually says vegetarian right there on the damn can. Now I won't have to concern myself with the pesky possibility that random elements of unnamed beefstock are secretly populating the broth of my otherwise seemingly harmless vegetable soup. So there was a small victory today, everything else was shit - as usual. Today was a standard leave me the hell alone day. Work was intolerable and endless. Traffic and every other facet of the average persons daily struggle to move forward was represented by the worst scenarios fate could cough up.

The days leading up to this however, were fine. Friday was exactly what a Friday by definition should be. Cheri, Mike and myself went straight from work to alcohol. Where we proceeded to talk about work anyway. From there killed a little time and ran off to the Apple store for the party. Panther release night, very geeky, but whatever. After that Scott and I returned to our former dive for burritos, where I managed to discover a large hunk of steak in the middle of mine. Free burrito, good deal - although it was discusting at the time. After that I was ready to retire, but Jill just had to call and tell me Donnie Darko was at the freak show. With 10 minutes to midnight, I made it there on time and wrapped up a long night / morning.

In further Jill news, she jumped out of a plane at 5000 feet last Friday. And I can now add this to the growing list of reasons why I idolize her.

Tomorrow morning is bright and early and painful, although I'm not there yet. I just know it will be. I'll be off to pick up Ian's car, which is the proud recipient of a new alternator. Then work. Let us pray the Melotonex and NyQuil have each run their course by then.

23-OCT-2003

Tonight was Teen Girl Squad in my very own living room. Becky and Joanna came over to borrow the puter for a while. They needed to create life sized Teen Girl Squad cut-outs, and the results are perfect. Aside from that, we watched random videos and I burned a veggie pizza, which was then consumed anyway. Crisp.

I have been working slowly but steadily on the sites. EriqX and dp have both seen a few updates over this past week. The reason for this is mostly the return of my seemingly never-ending bout with insomnia. Even as I write this now, it is Thursday night, and I have slept probably close to 14 hours in the last 4 days. At least the weekend is approaching, ready to be killed off by my dearly needed recovery sleep. There have been a few new sections added recently, Dead Baby Jokes, Dry Erase Board and the Seasonal Photo Project to be specific. They are all pretty simple, really. But the site is growing in content even so. And the Photography and Body Art sections coming to Elements are going to get big fast. I don't have an ETA on either, but I am working on both of them at this time.

m|D is at its end. The 3 of us have decided to disband, and not to sell. The details of which may be mostly worked out tomorrow. RIP magi|DIGITAL. We hardly knew you.

19-OCT-2003

I seem to be facing that point in the year where I need to accept it's almost all over, again. It's mid-October, and although nature is throwing an occasional 70-degree day in now and again, summer is dead. Winter is approaching, and the holiday countdown is at hand. I am really not looking forward to living and breathing xmas for the next 3 months. Nor do I feel like facing the first half of 2004 in the traditional post-holiday depressional haze.

With all of my pre-24th efforts to improve the activity and quality of my daily existense, I still notice one recurring theme. There is no time. I make progress on projects, but I still have many ahead of me. And the ones that are getting done are moving slowly. I'm getting books read, but again not fast enough. I'm finding more I want to read before I can even finish what I'm in the middle of. Mike, Matt, and I just committed to completing the 3B-DVD by December 15th, which I think is an excellent idea. Just like with magi|DIGITAL (which is having its own problems right now), it will feel amazing to complete something that actually matters to us. The project will catalog all things Channel3 during our time there. All of which are fond memories of when I had more time to do things that I wanted to do.

As far as the world of magi|DIGITAL goes, we may not sell after all. Our initial offer was withdrawn and replaced by an insult, which we will not accept. As I see this now there are a few ways this can play out, none of which I feel like detailing here. But I'll let you know what does happen.

10-OCT-2003

Well, time for an update in the old web journal. And how exciting this all is to me... I'm sitting here in front of this screen, eating sludge out of a can. And guess what? If they call it spaghetti, and it's coming out of a can, it's not anywhere near a good thing.

Tonights future may include a long island, although as the hours progress I will confess I am feeling less and less like putting the effort in to it. Before that is even an option, I may say hey to Jenny and some other people at a bar which is too close to my house to say no. The B-52's "Lava" just came on Grrl Radio. And so my night just got better. In any case, if neither of those things happen tonight, I'll keep staring at this screen until it's time for my nightly bout with insomnia. At least it's Friday and it really doesn't matter if I can't sleep an hour or not.

I suppose I should get down to this. magi|DIGITAL ended a few days ago, almost 10 months exactly from its inception. This is the short version of the story: Mike, Matt, and myself, the three owners and operators of Magi Digital LLC, were given three options. Mike and I could resign our employment at Safe Harbor Computers and pursue other employment while being allowed to continue developement at magi|DIGITAL. Mike, Matt, and I could completely disband magi|DIGITAL so that Mike and I could remain employed by Safe Harbor. Or, the three of us could sell magi|DIGITAL to Safe Harbor, allowing it to be absorbed and dissolved. We chose the third option because that way we get money out of it, and Mike and I can remain employed. Which is something neiter of us desire to forfit at this time. These options were presented as a result of magi|DIGITAL posing a conflict of interest to Safe Harbor's operations. I don't feel like elaborating further. What I will say is that I am extremely depressed over the entire issue, as I have just laid to rest a project that was successful. It had a future, and I enjoyed working on it.

28-SEP-2003

Most of this weekend was dedicated to recovery. I became sick at work on Friday, and then spent all day Saturday indoors feeling like shit. I managed to get some work done on dark playground - and finish it. I also managed to muster up the strength to go downstairs with a load of laundry. Which only meant that I had then committed myself to going down twice more to change the load and bring it back up dry. I spent most of the day ripping music and doing some basic cleaning. I watched Chicago, which had its moments but was otherwise horrible. That didn't make me feel all that much better. But that's ok, cause there is always NyQuil. After two nights of that, I woke up this morning in time for the AIDS walk feeling about 80% better, which is not quite 100% but I'll take what I can get.

Jenny and myself headed down to the Summerfest grounds around 10:00 this morning. We got our endless freebies such as t-shirts, mugs, bags, snack-packs and other food. I then took advantage of a few services that had tables set up. I registered to vote in Milwaukee county, and had my hemoglobin checked. Which was excellent because the nurses loved me and said they liked the way I bled. First time I've heard that one. My count was perfectly average, so I am not anemic. One less thing to worry about I guess. Aside from that there were bands and breakfast and a warm-up routine with Bally's. I ran into Joanna, Laura and Abby while I was there too.

The walk itself was excellent. 6.2 miles. It did end up tiring me out, as I had just woken up from two days of illness. But every step was worth it. Not to mention spending 5 hours in a crowd that is entirely composed of people who have joined together to help other people is amazing. It's like being at Summerfest except everyone there will smile at you and say hello. It actually feels strange to be surrounded by human kindness. There were a couple of speeches in there from the mayor and the governor and others, and in the end $502,280 was raised to help the cause.

On a side note, this past week marks my first complete year as a vegetarian. On September 22nd, 2002 I quit meat cold turkey - no pun intended. I am happy to report that I did not cheat one single time over the course of that year. Of course this means I am set for life. According to my thinking at the time, if I could make it to a year, I can make it the rest of my life. Nowhere to go but forward. I have yet to encounter any side effects on this journey either, which pleases me. Hopefully when I have some time, I will write an article on my reasoning behind all this. That way, I can get attacked for my own beliefs, as opposed to getting attacked for posting someone elses. All in time.

23-SEP-2003

As the weather erodes from warm sun to crisp haze, I return once again to a state of depressive confusion. Something inside today broke down. And I'm finding that these hands are not yet qualified to fix it. The endless challenge of living without feeling the sting of life drilling deeper into me is at hand once again. The difference today is that this is my first encounter with this type of malfunction post-24th. And thus, my approach to the needed repair is not different, but actually not yet known. I am forced to wonder what I have done to myself, and if it will ultimately benefit my well being. Or if it has left me so innocent that the pain I was once equiped to combat will now be a fresh challenge.

It's Tuesday. TNM is hours away, and Morgan is in my kitchen cooking me dinner as I type and inhale the wafting odor of a freshly dissected onion. It seems that both food and human kindess are the first interventions I will endure. For that I am immediately thankful, as entertaining a room full of pizzaroll eating movie-goers with a recently sunken heart is nothing near enjoyable. With this, I am steadily returning to a happy place. From there I will need to choose a weapon that I understand.

21-SEP-2003

Things have been slow lately. Not a ton to report other than work has been busy. And everything out of work has been lazy. A nice balance I suppose.

I am nearing completion of the dark playground revision, which is literally days from launch now. Aside from my work on that, my other artistic endeavours include the bottle cap collage, which is also very close to done. I expect that the completion of both one physical project and one virtual project will give me a slight boost in mental stimulation. And a sense of accomplishment as well I imagine.

I've got the TNM schedule handled for the next 5 weeks. All of October will feature some odd-ball scary films in honor of my favorite and only holiday, Halloween.

Aside from these little odds-n-ends, all is calm. I'll be workin' on some magi|DIGITAL goodness tomorrow, and before you know it we'll all be rich. There is always something to look forward to.

14-SEP-2003

This morning I woke up feeling so trashed from last night that I immediately put in the Fire Walk With Me DVD so I could watch the trailer. I figured a little tease could hold me over until Jill, Morgan and I watch the movie. The trailer itself is what I would call a successful one. Matty-J and I once observed that the art of movie trailers has become more and more impressive in the past years. It's as if the trailer for the movie itself is a movie within itself, trying to illicit an emotion or desire out of you as the movie would. This morning I started laughing maniacally after the trailer had concluded. There were tears in my eyes and I started to question if I was crying or just laughing in total hysterics. I wasn't sure if I was crazy or just reeling with leftover emotion from last nights ending. I watched the trailer one more time and the same thing happened. Maybe I am crazy.

13-SEP-2003

Today was many things. It is Saturday. I went to work for a special cleaning day. This will equal a comp day I can take off later on before the end of the year. Pizza and beer were also provided and appreciated. So that's how it started.

The next part was a movie with Mom. Whale Rider. My second time seeing it, but it's damn good so no complaints. I snuck in about 30 minutes of work on the bottle cap collage while I was at the house. So that means I'm about 1% closer to done than I was before.

After that I went home for the first time in over 12 hours. I busied myself with menial things, but my mind was constantly wandering toward one thing. Twin Peaks. In time Jill and Morgan both came over, we talked a little bit and they each expressed concerns over putting this all to an end. I had already told each of them they would cry, and they would hate me. So there was nothing more to say. On with the show. 45 minutes later, Morgan was crying. Jill said she hated me. Jesus Fucking Christ I love Twin Peaks. It's not so much my journay anymore, it's finding people to take with me. Those who make it through with me somehow amplify my experience and reinvigorate me. I was indeed shaking when it was over tonight.

Last night was an entertainment value of significantly less intensity. However, highly humorous. Tron played at the Freak Show. Myself, Ian, Laura, Rachel, Michelle, Jeff, Sandy and quite a few others went out to get all hot and bothered during the light cycle scene. Not much is more exciting than that.

I do need to mention that Judy's has struck again. A couple nights ago, myself and Scott went for an excellent downtown bike ride that involved a very large spiral parking ramp. After this, we decided to stop at Judy's on the way back for a quick bite and more importantly something to drink. We arrived and seated ourselves on the patio. And it began. Our waitress, BJ, came out all fired-up and got us in a hella-good mood hella-fast. She found out that Scott new the hostess, and then decided to share with us that she made the best damn long island iced tea that there ever was. Before we knew it she was offering us 2 for the price of 1 and I was saying yes for the both of us. One sip later and I am thinking that this is the best damn long island iced tea that ever was. We ordered food, and ended up getting alot of it for free. The place was dead and BJ was taking damn good care of us. Three-quarters of the best damn long island iced tea later, my head was damn near swimming and it still tasted good. I was impressed as my tolerance is high, and it normally takes alot more to put me in that happy place. Not to mention it was the best damn.... etc. I biked home. That was fun to say the least.

As of late, I have been putting some time into dark playground. I am happy that it will soon have new life to share with its readers.

10-SEP-2003

I would classify last night as purely wonderful. I was reunited with the spirit from my dreamworld. Only this crossing of paths came to be right here on earth. In a bar of all places. The time I have spent in her absense has allowed me to pursue a number of mental changes that have already been written about here. Now that the confusion as to where these worlds can intersect safely is nearly gone, I look forward to a new challenge for myself. The sustained mental clarity and acceptance that I used to get here. I must now continue on without letting it fall away.

We were together again as if we were never apart.

Slightly prior to that little interjection of confusion and beauty, was a rather successful TNM. 19 people showed up for American History X, which is now tied with Requiem for a Dream in attendance. I am again impressed by the magnitude of a single weeknight and a film. I once thought I knew few people who can appreciate a beautiful movie the same way I do. I think I am knowing more and more every day.

And while movies are on my mind, as they often are. This past Freak Show at the Times was Blue Velvet. I took on the host with my usual banter and was immediately invited on stage to co-host. It was an excellent experience that I would love to repeat - perhaps I can be more prepared next time. I ended up scoring a T-shirt for Morgan, as I promised her long ago that I would do. And then amidst my hosting duties, I ended up picking Becky's ticket number, so she got one too. It was too cool for one night. At this point I have lost track of how many shirts I have won at that thing for other people. This week's Freak Show is Tron. Which is hilarious. I intend to go with a certain someone I know who will appreciate just that sort of insanity. And of course, whoever else can stomach it.

In the current timeline, I am once again considering moving. But there is much to consider. There is a small window of opportunity before me but time is short. And I need to confirm a roommate possibility that may have only been bar-chat. Though I am sincerely hoping that it was not. I have been here for nearly 10 months. 4 months longer than my previous 3 stays in past homes. I am getting the bug to pick up stakes, just as I was starting to feel settled. As I always commit to myself, change is good. Change is beautiful. I am in a constant metamorphosis.

On a slightly depressing, but not entirely unexpected note, GymCharts.com was officially disbanded today. I have not written much about GymCharts here but there was never really much to write. In short, it is an internet company owned by my Aunt Susan and myself. After 3 years of trial and error, and mostly breaking even in the monitary tug-of-war, we are calling it quits. There are a number of reasons, but not worth mentioning. We both work full time in addition to our efforts on GymCharts, and I now dedicate more time to magi|DIGITAL. All in all, I will look upon this experience as a good lesson learned. And knowledge gained and time spent with family is never a waste.

On the Twin Peaks scene, I have officially brought Jill and Morgan to the same point in time. They each have only the last episode, and of course Fire Walk With Me before the experience is all in the past. I have already written about the expectaions I have of the impending outcome. So I will leave them each to anticipate it now as much as I know they fear it. And I will be sure to report on the results as soon as they are part of my precious memory.

03-SEP-2003

The rude awakening for me yesterday was dreaming while I was awake. Or perhaps tricking myself into thinking I was. I have been occupied recently with something I call "the NyQuil Trilogy." I have been subjected to 3 individual dreams each pertaining to the same exact subject matter. And each induced by a night of deep slumber at the hands of NyQuil, the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, sleep better to feel better and have your heart pulled viciously into your brain while you dream so you can visit terrifying subject matter and have your worst fears realized in your nightmares while you fucking sleep medicine. These 3 all took place over the past 2 months or so. Each was similar, but different. Without getting into it I was confronted by someone in a strange way each time. Someone who hasn't been around much in my waking world. I saw her in reality today, just walking down the street in a perfectly normal world. The physical oddities and convulsions of the trilogy did not apply to her. She looked completely normal and healthy. As she came into view, and it became clear it was her, I was absolutely certain that I was dreaming this. The reality was more unnerving than the dreams have been. And I felt a swell of fear overwhelm me as if I was somehow vulnerable to this intrusion between worlds. I was not myself for the remainder of the day.

Movie night came and went. It was a large turnout as expected for the film in queue. Two more TNM virgins were deflowered at the hands of the flaming oven, and nearly everyone hit the bar after for $2 imports. I realized that passing through the social niceties of the evening, with the swelling memory of 3 nightmares forged into a single passing moment, that I am who I say I am. And no one will know any different unless I tell them. It seems... sad. On some level. Perhaps several. That with a well oiled pseudo-persona communicating to the outside world for me, I am left alone inside to contemplate my own opposition to the well being that it projects in my name.

Today was my return to work after a 4-day weekend. I did manage to utilize my extra time accordingly. Cleaning of my physical and mental surroundings was accomplished. Relaxation was aquired without giving into laziness. I also hit the work bench and started bringing the bottle cap collage from the drawing board to reality. At this point I don't think I've quite come back from all of it. Work was good, and I have felt awake all day. I wore my glasses for the first time in forever. Everyone seemed to like them and made efforts to tell me. It felt strange and good at once.

My dinner just minutes ago was grilled cheese with a side of wheat thins and broccoli with dill dip. I added some tomato that Morgan's parents gave me from their garden to the sandwich. I washed it down with cranberry juice. This whole eat healthy thing is becoming a breeze. Broccoli is like my candy now. And those tomatoes were fucking good, if I may use vulgarity to label produce.

In further events, the 6th and 7th complete viewings of the entire Twin Peaks series, is about to come to an end once again. Both Jill and Morgan are nearing the final episode. A jaw-dropper that will surely make each of them wish they never started this adventure. With the movie to follow, and little answers gained from it, I will have successfully sacrificed two more human beings to the most provacative tease in television history. Falling in love with something only to watch it be ripped apart in the most beautiful way. Good luck girls, I will hold your hands and offer my shoulder to your tears if need be...

I think it's the little things. I put a lamp in my room. As I write this, I feel as if I am somewhere entirely different. What a difference a single lamp makes. Between this little realization and the glasses today, I think I hold the power to alter the universe using little more than simplistic and unnoticeable trinkets.

29-AUG-2003

This weekend is the 100th anniversary of Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Milwaukee being their birthplace, you can imagine what a party it is. I have never seen so many bikes in my life. Every corner is a block party, and half of the streets are closed. It's insane.

I am presently facing a 4-day weekend. With Labor day at hand and a vacation day from work on Tuesday. My goals are the same as always, get things cleaned up and fine-tuned. My surroundings and mental processes included. The forward motions I take now are all backed and propelled by the sacrifices I placed on myself before the 24th. It is making more things easier than they once were for me.

Beyond the continuous rhetorical excrement of my disturbed thought processes, I have a few things I would like to look forward to. Tonight is Blue Velvet at the Friday Night Freak Show. I love David Lynch films, especially when its one he acutally wrote. I will be keeping myself awake long enough to see that through. Hopefully I'll have company as well. Blue Velvet was nearly a TNM 5 times, and would have been eventually. But for now, the big screen is the way to do it.

On the TNM subject, Quills went over very well. It was an excellent evening that included two TNM virgins and some Jack & Cokes. We finished off with Node and some cream sodas. Perhaps $2 imports and Landmark next time.

Next TNM, which is also on the subject of things I am looking forward to. Return to Oz. I scored this at Best Buy for $9, can't beat that. I've been waiting to show this one. This film is absolutely off the wall. No more happiness or song, it's all dark, broken, and ruined. I love it. Scared me as a kid, and continues to perplex me now. They should make more movies with removable heads and Tim Burton-esque creatures (the Wheelers). Just my humble opinion. I am thinking of making my infamous Coke Jello for the occasion, since I should have some time this weekend. I expect a good turnout for this one.

My bottle cap collage is another project I am looking at getting work done on this weekend. The materials are ready, the measuring is done. It's time to drill. The parts are currently on the workbench in my parents basement. I'm gonna pick a day and head out there. Hopefully I'll get far enough to get the results up on the Projects page. Or maybe I'll even complete it and it will be on my wall soon.

In recent events, magi|DIGITAL is going to be featured in KeyFrame magazine. Jim Logsdon did an interview with myself, Mike, and Matt regarding our company and the presence of LightWave in our lives. In addition to that, he is also doing a review of our product, Liquiscapes in the same issue. Hopefully these will generate some attention for us.

Further efforts have been delayed seemingly forever on dark playground, my creative writing web page. I have been slowly collecting more works from others, as well as completing a few new efforts myself. It's only a matter of time before I sit down and do the needed tear-down.

26-AUG-2003

Obscurity will shield me if these new settings choose to remain our secret. If everyone wants to think everything is exactly as it was. This change will go unseen. And I will hide new teeth behind the same harmless smile.

24-AUG-2003

Well here I am. Everything I ever felt was yesterday. Everything today is like a fog. Like being born again. I don't know what's real yet. I don't know what's not. I plan on taking my time to figure it all out, too. No need to hurry these things.

20-AUG-2003

4 days remain. And then I'm off to take on eternity. Today was a test of things to come. I left the house happy and was immediately bombarded with reasons to get angry. I resisted to the best of my ability. Which is to say that I did well, but I need to do better. It seems like it is harder and harder to find good people to surround myself with. When I find someone worth spending time with, worth getting to know better, it peaks and dies. The person vanishes. I miss them and eventually the memories that made me smile are filed away under "pain." Not to be recovered unless by force. On the other hand, persons who remain present in my life are only fit to attack me. As well as tell me what I should or should not do. Perhaps it's because these people are around me the most that gives them access to express themselves like this. It still doesn't explain what the hell I am doing with them around me. I am at that point where it won't do to not care what people think. I need to keep people who think away from me, and not care about them all together. I don't feel good today.

Yesterday was better. TNM was Pumpkin and everyone was in a swell mood for a swell flick. Good old fashioned summer loafin'. I will miss it when it's gone, as the cycle continues endlessly.

Something good in my last few days was the return of Paul. I spent my Satudray catching up with one of the aforementioned good people in my life. Caught up as I said, had a burrito and hit the lake barefoot. This is what I am talking about here! It's just not that hard to hang around and have a good time when you are with good people. I need more of these around. If anyone is interested you know where to find me.

Joy is back now too. Unfortunately she missed Paul, as did Laura before her. This wasn't all timed out too well, but at least I get to see everyone. Joy is down with Milwaukee beer prices, as they are much higher in the land of Virginia. As with Paul, there was catching up and hanging around. Good times were had with little effort on anyones part. These people just swoop in here and make it all seem so easy. Fuck it. Anyway, Joy is still around and I am hoping to hit the Safe House with her soon, if not something else involving drinking and socializing. Maybe I'll get her a costume in time for Ian's Cowboy / Pirate party. That would be swell, I am at least looking forward to that right now.

At present, I have just lost an auction for a very nice birthday present for Ian. This was of course due to my own negligence. And now I am distressed over it. Aside from that, I got paid today. Which is good. I have bills to pay. This is bad. And I have some much needed RAM to install tonight. On a more creative note, I have actually begun making progress on my bottle cap collage. Imagine that. Life remains defined by the things that do not make it up.

15-AUG-2003

I am eating leftover pud thai, with a 2 out of 4 spice factor. The work week is over, and I am anticipating as usual that although it is currently Friday night, it will be Monday morning in approximately 3 minutes. In those short minutes I expect to enter a last-minute and rather desperate segment of my self-destruction journey. The elimination of material items.

This will not be my first attept at this. So it may not be my first failure either. The basic premise is to sell what is of value, and throw away what has no use. The difficulty to me comes because I have several uses for nearly everything. I am constantly fantasizing about projects and art that I never complete. It's all drawn and planned out, but I have nothing physical to show for any of it. I will need to downsize my personal project list, and eliminate materials that will not be useful in the near future. This includes clothing, paperwork, junk, old books, and almost all objects of desire. Sentiment will need to be abolished.

I think I am approaching a new understanding of my deadline. It will not be the end, or the beginning of anything. It will be similar to when I gave up meat. I told myself, if I can do a day, I can do a week. If I can do a week, I can make it to one month. And if I can give it up for a month, a year. If I can make it through one year, I am set forever. This is how I feel right now about self-destruction. I have to make it to the 24th, with no distractions, exceptions or failures. If I do, I will remain on that path with no temptations. With no more falling through. If I can make it this far, I will be set for the rest of my life.

It takes doing one thing 18 times before your mind forges it into a habit. I am way past 18.

14-AUG-2003

With 10 days left in this journey I'm on, I am not really certain where this is all supposed to go. Or where I will end up. I do not feel like I can achieve what I need to achieve in this short time. I do not feel like all is lost, however. I know that I am slightly stronger than I was at the beginning. I know that I have changed many habits and started new ones. All for the better. I read more. And I am loving it too. I am having more and more creative ideas. I eat nearly perfectly. No junk, no candy. More veggies, more fruit. I have learned to live without someone whos absence in my life I find to be painful. I have accepted a loss although I still welcome the possibility of a return someday. I have re-learned patience. And I have eliminated hope, which I consider to be the most negative emotion. I am dreaming at night again, and I am spending time disecting those dreams. I am seeing new things everywhere I look. Everything is different, as if I now see through new eyes. Something as simple as a strawberry can consume my attention now. Something as majestic as a living breathing snake can hypnotize me for eternity. I am calm. I can fit into crowds of people as if nothing is wrong with me. I can entertain them, and they may even think that I care. I cannot wait to be alone each night. I cannot wait. 10 days and counting...

12-AUG-2003

This past weekend was spent with the immediate family at the beautiful Dunes State Park in Indiana. The excursion was a success. I got much needed rest and relaxation while climbing up, jumping down, or looking at massive mounds of sand. I shot a hundred or so photos with various cameras of all the required surroundings, which included multiple dead animals and several industrial nightmares. I successfully stole two bibles from the hotel to add to my stolen hotel bible collection. I consumed tasty food. I had a good time, and no one killed anyone.

I also scored an early xmas present for myself with a great antique shop find. It's a reproduction vintage Coca-Cola tin diner sign, circa 1950's. It's got a 50's chick inviting the viewer onto the diner stool next to her to join her for a Coke. Despite giving up my Coke consumption with the seldom exception for special occasions, I still dig the product and always will. Not to mention I dig 50's chicks.

That reminds me, I just noticed that Pepsi (aka Ass) just came out with Vanilla Pepsi. What the hell is wrong with these people? They could have waited just a little longer to blatently rip off the superior competition. Who wants Vanilla Ass anyway?

Tonight is the extension of TNM experiment. As I was very serious about and very nearly killed TNM off after its 20th installment last week. At this point it is perpetuated by habit and tradition. And even as I write this, the phone is ringing with new attendees RSVPing for Lord of the Flies. I had considered the hiatus simply for the winter, with a new batch of 20 needed films ready for next summer. But alas, it seems I will wage on indefinitely and see where it all leads.

Going back to the past vacation for a second, I have as a result of my shooting escapade, been rewakened to the desire to go out shooting again. I may have found this passion once again as a result of finally changing my environment. I have photographed as much as I can in Milwaukee as far as I can tell. And now the other armpits of America seem to be calling. I had seriously intended to spend some time in Gary, Indiana shooting abandoned steel mills and other depressing items of industrial beauty. But it wasn't in the cards. At this point I am suddenly fueled to return, fully loaded with film. I hope that time and money can allow me to get back into an art that I nearly left behind in High School.

And as for me, I'm sinking again. I'll try to keep my attention on the books I'm reading and the movies I watch. Hopefully the photos I take as well. Anything but reality will do just fine at this point.

04-AUG-2003

Well, another weekend has passed the world by. I don't think I spent much of mine on anything in particular. Mostly odds and ends.

I had a parade of visitors passing through my living room as I lounged around wondering what's next. Nate stopped by to talk shop. Mostly LightWave and animation stuff. Mary dropped in to kill some time with me. Laura came around too. We watched Donnie Darko and had our usual cream of potato soup at Judy's.

Of course this time around, Judy's was on my side of town, as they have recently added a downtown location. It is almost surreal. I have been frequenting the southside location for nearly a decade. Not as often since High School, and not so much since I moved to a more interesting part of the world. All of the sudden, this staple of my fondest coffee and soup memories just up and transforms itself for a new universe. I have no complaints. Well, the coffee is not quite the same. But that's about it. Overall, the atmosphere is still Judy's. They replaced all the southside old people with young Milwaukee nightclub swingers (this was a Saturday night though). They replaced the pink with teal. There is plenty of glass and chrome to go around. And there is an outdoor patio. The only thing you have to fight for is parking, which is a feature of downtown on a Saturday night anyway. So no one is really to blame there. If it becomes an actual problem, they offer parking for a dollar in the garage, so kudos to them. It's also across from Taylor's, where I can drink and make fun of Elimidate hos. All in all a truely positive experience.

On the mental stage, the constant battle for tolerance wages on. I find myself thinking of how not understanding beautiful things can lead to the all-out rejection and condemnation of that beauty. It would be sad, if I cared about ignorant and worthless people. Or if I wished something so simple as the understanding of beauty on them.

03-AUG-2003

There is alot to cover. So I'm not really going to bother. In short, I sold my previous dual 867 Mac G4 and sent it on its way. I'm now up and running with my new dual 1.25 G4. There were major problems with the new machine out of the box, and I won't bore the reader with details. At this point it's fixed, so on with it.

Sort of on the selling things subject, I got rid of my Game Boy Advance finally. It was collecting dust and losing value, so it was off to eBay. One more item on the long and growing list of items I don't need that I finally eliminated. I will continue on with this until I run out of crap.

On to less menial items. Tomorrow is the 4th. I have only a mere 20 days left in this test. I'm holding up overall, but I find that now and again it is easy to get sidetracked. I'm also surprised to find that the people that matter the least seem to effect me the most. That doesn't seem right. No bother though, It will only be a matter of time before I am bullet-proof.

I re-committed myself to an old opinion this past weekend. It would seem like an unfortunate thing, but even so reality must be acknowledged.

Paul will be back in town in just over a week. He will be arriving just as Laura departs once again for the southern realm. They will each perpetuate the cycle of old faces entering and re-entering my life. I sometimes feel like I must know a million people. And half of them are off somewhere else doing their own amazing thing. Either way, I'm good for coffee and hugs when they come back around.

If I may take a moment to look forward, I will be at the dunes in Indiana this weekend. I look forward to escaping for a short while. There may also be a quick bit of camping to be had the weekend after that. If so, two quick vacations in two weeks will certainly snap me out of this routine. That may be good. We'll see.

27-JUL-2003

Breakfast this past Friday was green tea and a banana. I stared all day long at donuts that I could not and did not touch. The problem with conviction is the existence of temptation. So far though, everything is just fine. I was told recently that I would go through all of this just to spite people. I told my mother that and she laughed, and then said, "No you don't." Perhaps this is because she knows me, and she thinks before she speaks. In any case, my own intentions are becoming more and more clear to me. I am not worried about too much else.

This weekend has been eventful so far. Friday after work was a nice downtown/eastside bike ride with Matt and Matt. We ran into trouble a few times because they were on mountain bikes and I was on my road bike. One instance was Lafayette hill, which I should really go take a picture of to better illustrate. Against the advice of both my friends, and my own better judgement, I proceeded to let gravity have its way with me and I am certain I almost lost it more than once. But fuck it. In the end I was at the bottom in one piece. The Matt's proceeded to make it down alive as well. Brittain said his little bike-computer showed 34 MPH on the way down.

After the biking adventure we all ended up at Landmark with Matt's girlfriend Sarah, and 4 of her friends. Who were all excellent people by the way. Brittain found me another beer that is in my tolerable catagory, and I had more than one excellent conversation with some new faces. My kind of night.

Saturday my mother treated me to some new clothes, and some new shoes. I am really happy about this because I was needing shoes and pants and as everyone knows I am fresh out of money for awhile. I hung out with Mom and Hannah for the first part of the day, had some lunch and then headed over to Brittain's. He and I watched The Spanish Prisoner which was excellent. After that I got him to come with me to Megan's surprise birthday party. Which was a good thing cause we ended up going doubles on pool and we won alot. We lost a few too, but we (mostly Brittain) rocked - that's the damn point. The party overall was a damn good time. There was all the usual good stuff like alcohol and good people, including Heidi whom I haven't seen in over a year. There was also a brief stint of streaking down Oakland Avenue, which I may or may not post pictures of later. As I said, a damn good time.

At this point, the future may consist of two short but enjoyable vacations in August. The first will involve sand dunes. The second will be your run-of-the-mill camping trip. I'll get into more detail later as these become more likely. Until then, I have some more pain to go through. I'll try to keep with those details as well.

23-JUL-2003

Tuesday is now my "off" day. Even though I put a bit of effort into TNM, Tuesday is now the day that I am free to relax... I guess. Monday's and Thursday's are the workout with Matt. Wednesday is HTML and PHP lessons from Mike and Matt. Wednesday and Friday are Jogging until I break. Every night I read until I need to go to sleep. I am biking as often as possible, I'm shooting for 4 days a week minimum including the weekend. And of course, I work Monday thru Friday. All in all, the deliberate overload of knowledge and physical exhursion that I intend to force on myself is going well. And I will admit that I am not that far into it. But we will see. The junk food is gone, I have a feeling I will make an ice cream exception here and there, but so far it's all been strawberries, grapes, and bananas.

But that is just my perspective. I have been told that I will be miserable when this is done. My inclination is to laugh at that remark. But, I am also trying harder to understand that people don't know what the hell they are talking about, especially when they are trying to define me. I can't even understand where I am headed. I will not expect any expertise from anyone else.

I have been following cravings lately. I don't know how else to explain that. Take it as you will.

In the middle of the first part of this journey, I ran into someone who knocked me off track for about a day. I guess I won't be able to say I'm a selfish person. I'm too worried about someone else right now. I can be intensely empathic at times, and now may be one of those times. But even so, nothing feels worse than not being able to help someone you want more than anything to help. I hope she finds what she needs somewhere if it isn't thru me.

Back on the mental side of things. I am organizing thru destruction and abandonment. This is just my way of cleaning. I would like to have an organized dwelling that may help me focus and organize my mind. Since there is too much to organize, I simply have to eliminate as many useless items as I can.

Everything changes. Over time. Sometimes we notice it gradually. Sometimes it happens before we know it. For some reason, when you tell people it's coming, they react fearfully. I am not afraid of change. A butterfly's metamorphosis through a crysalis from a catapillar is the most beautiful example of change. I have that butterfly tattooed on my back. And I embrace change. The only thing that scares me now is staying the same.

20-JUL-2003

The accepting and tranquil mood that I began this journey with is already helping me along the path. I know that I can derive strength from nearly any source, and that this will only be to my advantage.

I spent some time with Matty-J today, and we have decided to expand our workout routine to include Mondays now as well. This will benefit the physical half of my journey. Aside from commiting to more excercise, we worked on our respective Linux servers. I am sorry to say that at this point Dragonfly is still having issues. But nonetheless, progress was made.

I also spent time with Jenny today. We traveled to Best Buy so that I could finish off my DVD situation with a big bang. After that we went over to TGI Fridays for lunch, which included intelligent conversations that I am currently thankful for. She has lent me two books, Slapstick by Kurt Vonnegut, and Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Persig. I'll get to work on Vonnegut tonight. I'll let you know how these turn out. I expect they will both benefit the mental half of my journey.

This evening was "Fish Day" in Port Washington. Not exactly my scene but I was at it to see an old friend. Me and Matt B. met up with good old Mike L. from my Toyota/Lexus days. The whole deal is basically a mini-summerfest. It was a good time to be had, and it was great to see Mike again.

I am currently holding my breath until Tuesday, when I can pick up my recently repaired bicycle. The place that fixed it called me today to let me know 10 minutes before they closed. And they are closed Monday, so I'm stuck for a little longer I guess. I am starting to miss it, especially now that I am anxious to burn off my surplus of hostile, self-destructive energy.

18-JUL-2003

I have put myself on the path to self-destruction. Nothing could be more exciting. The rush and thrill that swarm over me just anticipating a cataclism cannot be described. The end of one's own self is not normally meant to be so beautiful. It is mearly meant to be an end. But if one can survive their own demise...

What will emerge on the other side? I want to survive...

16-JUL-2003

I decided to set the deadline at August 24th, 2003. Before that time, I am going to have to find the part of me that can survive. My emotional well being and my physical energies are at risk of decaying. So I will need to deliberately push them both beyond their limits. If they can join together to become stronger, I will find my strength on the other side of my deadline. If I fail, I will simply have to accept my own destruction. And carry on in pieces.

I have no idea what is so important about this date. But I imagine I better hurry.

14-JUL-2003

Work is good. Home is good. Sigma is good. I have no money, but I'm used to that. I think everything is basically fine. My bike isn't fixed yet, but I will get around to that. My ear isn't fully healed yet, but it's getting there. It would be in my best interest to find a way to get to the courthouse during normal hours to pay a certain fine I have looming, so as not to face suspension of my drivers license. But hey, I'll get around to that as well.

Obviously I am feeling somewhat tranquil and accepting right now. Very chill, I think this is the way enlightened people feel when they accept that they are ready to die. Most of my time as of late has been spent on movies and cleaning. I have become somewhat obsessed with cleaning my house lately. And I honestly don't really want to clean it, I just want to get rid of everything in it. So far I have trashed a handful and non-needed nick-nacks, I have cut 60% off of my record collection, and about 90% out of my VHS collection. Some things will obviously have to stay, but my goal is to achieve a minimal existence. So if anyone wants or needs anything, let me know I guess. I have hoarded long enough. It is now time to destroy.

Today my new ultra quiet power supply came from Apple. I don't really feel like tearing this thing down again for 4th time in 2 weeks, but whatever. I am putting "Butterfly," my current Mac G4 Dual 867 up on eBay tonight or tomorrow. I'll be picking up a new Dual 1.25 toward the end of the week. Upgrades make baby jebsu smile. And while I am on the geek subject, "Dragonfly," my soon-to-be Linux server had its precious RAM delivered today. Hopefully it will be ready to host this and other sites very soon.

I have been experimenting with Soundtrack, a new program from Apple which is similar to Acid. So far I am battling boredom with homemade techno. I think I will post some of my little experiments on EriqX when I have more to show. Until then, blah.

10-JUL-2003

Well, the bad news is I don't feel very well today. So I skipped my usual Thursday workout with Matty-J, and I am currently missing this weeks sure-to-be overkill due to hella-popularity BCBG. That sucks for me.

In any case, I am otherwise doing fine. This past weekend I went ahead and got my orbital piercing in my left upper earlobe. I am happy with the look, but the swelling really needs to go down soon. Cause I can't sleep on one side and it's no fun. This past Tuesday's TNM was Requiem for a Dream. 19 people plus me were sweating it out in my living room (max occupancy 10) for one of the most beautiful films of recent time. If you have not seen it please do. And if you have yet to experience the group love that is TNM, please come out sometime. Open invite... obviously.

Oh yes. I taco-ed my rear bike rim last night. So now I have that to worry about too. I cannot go very long without a bike, so despite cost I am forced to remedy this soon. Again, sucks for me.

04-JUL-2003

I'll start with last night. Brew City Bike Gang, again. It's a gang now, by the way, not a club - I gotta keep these things straight. So anyway, the BCBG was somewhere between 20 and 30 people last night. It was like a train of cyclists stretching a full city block at a time. It was an amazing sight and even more amazing to be part of. This time we went from Nomad to Lafayette hill for the Milwaukee fireworks. We soaked up our yearly requirement of Piggly-Wiggly sponsored patriotism and then we were off to the rest of the bars. The night was long, muggy, wonderful, and included a nice, healthy buzz. I intend to get some pictures up of these adventures in due time. At the moment, my camera is out of commission and I don't know enough contacts in the BCBG at the moment to get my hands on the pics that were taken by people who are not me. Soon, soon.

Aside from that, my recent emotional downfall has subsided, and I may be happy afterall. There are signs of recovery at hand, but as I am naturally cautious - especially now, I will not get ahead of myself.

Today was Whale Rider at the Downer. It was an excellent movie and I recommend it. Aside from that, this evening was the standard holiday veggie BBQ with the family, and I have a lingering desire to pierce my ear tomorrow. Well see how that turns out.

29-JUN-2003

Arrakis. Dune. Desert planet. Last night well into this morning, for a total running time of 10 hours and 22 minutes; myself, Rachel, Ian and Laura all watched both the Dune miniseries and the Children of Dune miniseries. The only thing better than being a geek is being a geek in good company, amongst fellow geeks. Maud'dib rules.

26-JUN-2003

I have been floating lately. Lots of bad vibes, crossed signals, etc. No clue what it all means yet, but I'm getting all stupid over it. Something that I really like seems to be fading off and I don't know why.

It's amazing how very rarely I can feel anything anymore. The emotions that carry everyone up and down, between happy and sad and back again; just don't phase me enough. The worst part is, once in awhile, when I've forgot completely what it is to care at all, I'll find some reason and it all comes flooding back for a short moment. And now that I've just been through the first of one of those moments in over a year, I'm about ready to go numb again. I found something to care about. But it will end up the same as it always does. And now I remember why it's so much better not to feel. The little bit you get isn't worth feeling the loss of it again.

I think the worst thing you can ever do is love something that can't love back.

15-JUN-2003

I would characterize yesterday as a rather complete day. I road tripped to IKEA and Mitsuwa with Matt B, Jill, and Dawn. I met Matty-J's new girl. And I had my eyebrow ring ripped out of my head by a pillow.

Let's start with the road trip. I spent $18 at IKEA, which is amazing. The fact that the store easily lends itself to massive amounts of purchasing, and I have no money to do such things would normally pose a problem. However, I managed just fine and therefore will not be submerging myself further into debt. Mitsuwa, whoa. That's all I need to say. This place was very cool and I do intend to return when I have some cash to spend on cute little trendy Japanese things. Until then, I bought some green tea and some sake to hold me over.

I was napping after the road trip, and slowly but surely people just started showing up at my door. It started with Matt B, Jill, and Dawn, who had left while I slept and then returned cause we still all needed something to do. Then Rachel came over, because it is better to be bored with others then to be bored alone. Finally, Matty-J came over with Sarah. This was my first opportunity to meet her. She likes Barton Fink as well as Neil LaBute films, so therefore she is already hella-cool. Do I really need to say anything else? Well, sure. There is always more to be said but I'm trying to keep things simple here. This is becoming a lengthy Journal entry, and my life is really not all that interesting so I shouldn't ramble.

So, on to the pain and the hurting and the bleeding and the hey-da-hey and the glaven. During the same "Eriq just woke the hell up and suddenly everyone and their mother is hanging out at his house" incident, I ended up getting a pillow across the face. The once friendly and non-threatening pillow ended up snagging my eybrow ring, twisting around, not coming loose, and remained attached to my head while Matt J and Rae attempted cautiously to operate. Being blinded by the pillow now connected to my face, I was for the most part immobilized while I layed back and they helped remove the pillow and what was left of the ring. I say what was left because, very luckily for me, the ring took almost all of the damage. It was mangled so badly when it came out that I was truely impressed by the entire incident. Not only was the ring totally destroyed and bent completely out of form, but my actual piercing was intact with the exception of a little blood. I put in one of my spares and went to Rochambo.

13-JUN-2003

Tonight was a social explosion. I discovered, much to my liking, the Brew City Bike Club. The name became official tonight as far as I know. Basically, a bunch of people get on their bikes and pedal off to a bar to meet up. From there, everyone writes the name of a bar on a piece of paper. All the little papers get mixed together and drawn, and that's the order in which we visit each of those bars (on our bikes) that evening. It started with 8 of us, and grew to 14 as the bike-hopping progressed. Clogging traffic with 14 people on pedal bikes going thru downtown in the midst of festival madness is an experience I highly recommend. I had more fun tonight than I have in a long while. Not to mention I met about 10 people I previously did not know, found out that some of them know people I do know, and now I know a ton more people. Rachel and I even saw the crazy bitch from a Milwaukee Elimidate episode at one of the bars. Tramp.

Life is good right now. This may be because I have consumed 1 Woodchuck, 1 shot, and 4 beers in the last 4 hours. But again, I will credit most of my happiness with being on my bike, amongst good people, for so long.

04-JUN-2003

Last night's TNM was Falling Down. Attendance once again pushed the limits of my living room, at 12 plus me. If you've ever seen my living room, you'd understand why this can present a challenge. The evening was complimented nicely by cheesecake from Scott's kitchen, and beer from Matt B's. Dawn stopped in, which was especially wonderful. All the circle kids where in the same room for the first time in a long time.

Aside from the usual movie driven life, I have been going on endless adventures with Rachel. These mostly include getting on our bikes and then finding something tall and dangerous to climb. So far no one has been injured. I'll let you know when our luck runs out.

14-MAY-2003

It's been a while. Not too much has changed. I have definitely been doing a fair share of biking, I can say that. Without a doubt, that bike has been the single best purchase I have made in as long as I can remember. As soon as the weather in this god-forsaken state gets warm on a consistent basis, I'll be out everyday.

Aside from that, I had a quick work-related trip to Chicago in there somewhere. As it turned out, work was about 30 minuntes of it, and then it was a viewing of various short films. So I had a pretty damn good time. It mostly served as another dose of needed inspiration to finish writing "Shell," which is the latest working title for my short film that I will hopefully make with help from Mike, the Matt's, Ian and others.

On the movie front, TNM suffered a blow 3 weeks ago with Ghost World. The lowest turnout to date with only 6 people. The week after it was cancelled for the above mentioned Chicago trip. Yesterday was recovery. The Matrix played to a full room, which then departed to Node as usual. As a result of being out far too late that night, and the one before, I am a little worn down today to say the least. The NyQuil is about to kick in, so my recovery rest tonight is at hand.

More in entertainment news, I have launched my 6th (or 7th?) viewing of Twin Peaks, from start to finish. The pilot, all 29 episodes, and Fire Walk With Me will this time around be shared with Morgan, who I am pleased to know is already addicted. I'll let you know how it turns out.

23-APR-2003

Ok. Lets see here. I'm in a pretty decent mood overall. I just got a color proof back from Kinko's for magi|DIGITAL's first product, which we hope to release very soon. The proof looks damn good, and I am about to jump through the roof with excitement because this whole thing is really starting to take shape fast.

Beyond that, I just found out that the guy who lives directly upstaris from me is moving out. I found out by meeting the girl who is now moving in - and I never even knew the place was up for rent. I would have snatched it up so fast if I had had any idea. It's basically just like my place, only it's upstairs, which I have always preferred, and it has a balcony. I'm all wired up with regret here... oh well i guess.

As usual, TNM was swell as hell. We watched Bound, as gratuitous lesbian sex and mob violence are always a winning combination for a successful film.

I just noticed that Kinko's can't read their own handwriting. My receipt says "Elzig Tews." That is funny shit. Just call me Elzig.

13-APR-2003

Well, as of recently I am officially 23 years old. I made it around the sun once more, as Matt would say. As usual I feel old with the passing of another year. Obviously 23 is young, but when you get to the point when 13 feels like yesterday, and you have to admit it was really 10 years ago - everything takes on a little bit different perspective.

I bought a bike as a present to myself. Which I can justify financially for multiple reasons that I won't get into. Of course it recently became too cold to ride it, but that just figures. Aside from that this weekend was taxes and work. Not much to get excited about.

On the movie front, as it is becoming common for me to mention them, the last TNM was eXistenZ. I played it because Spider came out the following day, and I was in a "prepare for Cronenberg by watching Cronenberg" kinda mood. Both movies were excellent, and I must admit I was especially impressed with Spider. Beyond the standard Tuesday, I watched Playing by Heart last night with Morgan. That was an excellent movie as well, which I pretty much expected.

So, that's pretty much it for now. I've been watching movies and feeling old.

07-APR-2003

I have no idea what happend between then and now... It must have been like a million things. None of which are terribly important. I know I saw an assload of movies. It started Wednesday. A bunch of us kids had free tickets to Phone Booth. It was cool. Me, Morgan, and Scott made it a double-feature night and ran off to see He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not at the Oriental. That movie was freaky-good. Thursday Morgan and I did another double. This time it was Till Human Voices Wake Us and Hitler's Secretary at the Downer. Friday was 25th Hour.

Before all that kicked off, TNM was Amelie. Attendence was excellent, and there was a lot of wonderful things to be said about the movie, which didn't really surprise me.

If I did anything that didn't have to do with movies, I don't know what it was. I'll write again if I figure it out.

27-MAR-2003

This past TNM was Eraserhead. It was an excellent turnout that included Morgan, Matt B, Jill, Alli, Rosie, Michelle P, Scott, Megan and her Matt as well. Needless to say, the room was packed, and everyone wanted to know what the hell I was showing them. Next week won't be so strenuous on the mental processes. I'll be showing Amelie, for which I seem to actually be getting numerous requests.

Aside from Tuesday, I have been sick pretty much all week. Today I can tell that I'm getting better though. Which is good cause I have better things to worry about. Tomorrow there is a sort of open house at work, for which myself and Mike will be herding cattle around with Krispy Kremes and Mountain Dew. Should be fun. Tonight I'm mostly working on some magi|DIGITAL things. Which has met with both ups and downs. But, as they say, "We shall prevail."

PS - I just found out that my new friend Sarah has actually met Christopher Walken. Where the hell was I when this was happening?

20-MAR-2003

The "first" Tuesday Night Movie was a success. And, I learned a few things. One: Tell everyone to get there an hour early. That way, everyone will be right on time. Two: Make more pizza rolls - especially if Michelle P. is going to be there. Three: People really like snakes. Four: After making said pizza rolls, turn oven off, so that house does not become quite warm over the course of the movie. That was pretty much that. Most everyone who was there hit Node after, and it was a happy little evening.

In other news, Asuka's first feeding went smoothly. I defrosted one of the pinkies and she was finished in about a minute. Rather efficient. I will be trying for similar results tonight - which will be my last feeding before Megan is back to pick her up. I'm already considering getting my own snake again. I'm trying to convince myself that I could indeed fit a baby in my current house. We'll see.

Lastly, I got some good work done on my up and coming Mac Aquarium this past weekend. The casing is now officially black. All I need to do next is build the light and buy the fish.

15-MAR-2003

I love snakes. If I had enough room in my apartment, I would get one again. The reason I mention this is because I am currently snake-sitting. Megan is in Florida for spring break, so I am taking care of Asuka, her very small baby Amelanistic Corn Snake. So far Asuka and I have watched a movie together and surfed the internet. Tomorrow is feeding day which should be fun. I knew I had frozen pinkies in my freezer for some reason.

Aside from the jungle adventures at home, life is on normal mode. Got some work done on Magi|DIGITAL last night, which is important. We have an April deadline for our first product so we need to keep at it. I will be spending the rest of the weekend at Judy's with some peeps, and at my family's house tomorrow for some eats and V-Ball. Did I mention it is getting warmer? I can feel my seasonal depression melting away with the ice...

09-MAR-2003

Not too much going on lately. Last night I joined Mike, Jessica, the Matts, and Scott for a quality viewing of Death Race 2000. It's a hand-grenade. After Scott and I ran into Jeph at Node. It was nice to see him in Milwaukee again. Node, by the way, has since become a second home to me. Slater, Joe, Tony, Scott and I let sleep deprivation and excessive video game discussion turn into a new idea called "dope as fuck." More on that later...

01-MAR-2003

The Matt's, Scott, and myself went out for a Judy's - Value Cinema combo night. 8 Mile was the flick of choice and I did like it. Curtis Hanson is still on my cool director's list (L.A. Confidential, Wonder Boys) and this film continues to showcase his flexibility. Prior to the show, Judy's was the usual rip-roarin' good time. Some things will obviously never change.

After all of that, we stopped by Scott's new pad in Yankee Hill, which boasted a knock-out dowtown view taking me back to my days in the loft. Jealous, that's all I will say. After that I got my first taste of Node, which is a new 24-hour coffee - computer dive filled with groovy cats and smoke. I ran into Morgan, which was excellent cause she is one of the coolest girls I know. Mars Attacks! What else do I need to say? I hope to do it all again soon.

27-FEB-2003

Last night was pretty fuckin good. Spent a generous bit of time at the 8th Note. First up was Laurel's band. They were opening for the poet Sage, who was doing some material for his new book Sex Drugs and Sunday School. Both acts were excellent beyond words. Ian, Michelle and I had to part from the rest of the group in the middle of AwRY's set, which I kinda regret because she was unreal. Basically, the entire night was amazing. I rarely get to go somewhere and pay nothing to be drenched in beautiful talent.

23-FEB-2003

Had an excellent time last night at Krystal and Becky's housewarming party. Got to see a few old-school worker bees from the land of Lexus. Basically it was taco-dip, alcohol, and coffee at Judy's after. I grabbed Matty-J along the way and we dragged Matt B with us so he could see Mike L while we were there. I think a good time was had by all.

15-FEB-2003

Third dose of Vagina Monologues last night. This time the Pirate Cheerleaders were there. That alone was worth it, they were fuckin awesome. After the show, there was food, drink, and mingling with cool cast members and others.

After that me and Ian split off from Angela and went to Krystal's "Love Sucks" party. In the Company of Men was the movie of the evening, which was rather fitting for an anti-valentine's party. Ian and I headed to Denny's to visit Erin after the party, then crashed. All in all it was a good start to the weekend.

This morning Mary and I swung by the anti-war rally downtown, where we got to hear even more statistics about our sadistic redneck president. It didn't help much, but since I've pretty much given up on everything at this point it really doesn't matter either.

14-FEB-2003

Saw the Vagina Monologues tonight. Second night in a row. Tomorrow will be the third. I'm in a pretty good mood tonight, all things considered. I'm broke, but I just sold $170 worth of items I found in the trash on eBay, so that will help a little in becoming un-broke. Or so one can hope.

Aside from that, I've been running across a handful of good people lately. Peeps that I haven't seen in a while. Peeps that I just met. You all know who you are. My thanks to all of you, if I didn't have any social outlets I would really be screwed by this whole broke thing. At least my mind is active when my wallet isn't.

The SOS fundraiser was excellent. At last I heard, $6000 was raised to help Saad. The power of community is awesome.

09-FEB-2003

I have recently committed myself to a no spending initiative. So far, this weekend has been a success. Ian and Erin treated me to one of my favorites, Jelesco's. Afterward Ian and I went to Water Street where I failed to find who I was supposed to meet. I spent nothing. The trip was not a waste, since I ran into Sean and Mary along with a few other Greendale's. Ian and I wrapped up the evening by watching Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Tomorrow I will be spending more time on my Mac Aquarium at my parents house.

25-JAN-2003

Last night was my first official Ars Technica meet. Matt, Mike, Jessica, and myself went out to the Texas Roadhouse to meet up with a few fellow Arsians for food and drink. After we followed up with more drinking at Ron's bar in Kenosha. I met some very cool people and had a really good time. Here is the direct [link] to the picture thread on Ars.

Today the Journal was cancelled. Which is fine, but it is starting to blur that line between needing to make some extra cash on the side, and not actually wanting to work more to do it. They haven't paid me in six weeks now, and they were over staffed. So I left. I stopped in at Lexus to visit some old friends and co-workers. I got my oil changed, which was badly needed. And I met my replacement, sucka. Aside from those mostly boring events, I am distressed because I got a parking ticket last night for an invalid reason, and now I have to waste my time contesting it. My headlight burned out, which means I need to dig up the receipt and have it replaced for free, also something I don't really want to spend time on.

20-JAN-2003

Where to start? The weekend was mostly depressing. I was so tired after the endless Thursday night that I came home from work Friday and crashed. At least I think I crashed. If I did it was 6:00 in the afternoon. Then I woke up to random AIM messages mostly from Joei. Or maybe that was the next night. It's all a blur.

Saturday was pretend to go to work day. I got up and pretended I was going in to the Journal. When I got there, they felt so bad that I haven't been paid for 5 weeks they said I could ditch. So I took advantage of it. I ended up working out at Bally's with Matt instead. I attempted to go to Rocky Horror that night but never made it. Too depressed, couldn't move. Seriously starting to spiral out at this point. Stayed up all night on AIM again, woke up at noon or something. Whatever.

Sunday was dinner at Mom and Dad's. Calzones. Damn those were good, thanks Mom. From there I went to Carrie and Angela's to be part of another excellent 3rd-party film project. This time it was Julie in the directors chair. Myself, Matty-J and Matt B. got to "air cello" for a practice take. The real deal will go down tomorrow, so I'll let you know how it turns out.

After the cello madness I kidnapped Joei, and Matt B. We went to meet Ian and Erin at Jeliscos for some burritos and damn yummy margaritas.

I almost forgot, I was happy all day today. It was bad, it was like I was on crack - I was that happy. Came out of nowhere too. Then in the middle of it Paul called. I miss you Paul. I'll call you back soon.

Tonight I finally opened the shredder I got for xmas. The first thing I shredded were the instructions that came with the shredder. I love this fuckin' thing.

18-JAN-2003

Here I am facing another weekend. This past Thursday night was spent with Joei and Rochelle. This past Friday morning was also spent with Joei and Rochelle. We started out making amusing sexual references to each other over AIM, and then decided it would be more fun to get together. We spent more than enough time surfing Dita Von Teese's website, among a few other sexually entertaining web hot spots. After which we all let the geeks in us out: We had to decide if we were going to watch Star Trek: Nemesis, or stay in and watch Star Trek: Generations. Money issues decided we were staying in. Ian came over half way through while we consumed free Papa Johns pizza - special thanx to Carrie. Three hours of sleep later, I went to work.

This morning I am eating rigatoni with spinach and sprouts while getting ready for work. I lead such a full life.

13-JAN-2003

This weekend was a bit uneventful, but here I am writing about it anyway. I squeezed two Judy's trips into one day. First with Carrie, Joei, and Cle. Then with Mike and Matt in the evening. Becky was around to keep the three of us under control, and to hit me while I was suffering one of my migraines. She feels bad, and I really didn't mind, so I shouldn't poke fun and make her feel worse. Sorry.

Overall, the day was symbolic of my eternal position in the middle of everything.

11-JAN-2003

Last night was great. I got to see Jill (my old roommate) for the first time in a month. We had a great time with a handful of others for the evening's little adventures...

The night began with Donnie Darko for the Friday Night Freak Show. I love that movie. About ten of us met up at The Times for the flick. I won a t-shirt for my trivia knowledge (not the first time) and I think everyone enjoyed the show.

After the movie, Jill, Ian, Matt, Matt, and myself went to Judy's Family Restaurant in search of Becky, one of the coolest waitresses ever. Jill and I proceeded to further endanger our lifespans by keeping deep fried foods as a staple in our everyday meal plans. I got some more "restaurant art" for a section I will be adding to this site soon, and had some good discussions. Becky totaled an omlet and I got some free ice cream. I had a great time.

08-JAN-2003

It seems like alot is going on with me right now. I just can't seem to remember what any of it is.

Obviously the forum is down, which you may have gathered from the main page. My feeling on that is extremely negative, although I am now trying to look forward with few regrets on the past.

Another thing keeping my mind active is the new server project, which is currently code-named "Dragonfly." I would like to use a server to host this and other sites in the future. That way I can have my personal computer back, and when I need to do a restart or something, the sites won't go down. So far I've got a crusty old Pentium II 300 with almost zero RAM. When I'm done, I'll have a Pentium II 450 with considerably more RAM, running Mandrake Linux. I'm also looking forward to some case modifications. Black with brushed metal drive bays and blue LED's is the current plan. I'm sure most people find this boring, so I'll stop now. I was done anyway.

01-JAN-2003

Happy new year everyone! The eve was a success. Lots of partying and kissing. Mike threw a good party at his place, as indicated on my Events page. Drunken chess, Monkey Ball for Game Cube, and a little too much drinking for some were all part of the night. Not to mention my entrance, which has been called "the greatest entrance of last year." I met some new people who I think are hella-cool, and overall had an "interesting" (perhaps I'll elaborate more later) time. Everyone got home safe, so there's really nothing more to say.