EriqX / Journal 2008

12-NOV-2008 - Distractions

It seems that time is working against me in any way it can. The four long years I had with her have apparently flown by. They're now reduced to a series of memories and photographs, each evoke good thoughts and happy emotions but are seemingly very long gone. In contrast, the less than two months that have passed since she died have been dragging for what feels like years now. Every thought I've had and each decision I've made has taken forever. Everything is so long and drawn out that I feel like I'm suspended, being forced to continuously feel everything more intensely and at greater length. Most people around me, and especially at work, are ready to wrap up the year. The comments that 2008 is flying by, or that it's "already" mid-November, etc., are an increasinly regular occurance as of late. But for me 2008, which I rightly consider the worst year of my entire life, simply refuses to slip away. It's here to keep its claws in me.

When I'm not a mess, I go out. I've been seeing friends, going out to dinner, playing volleyball, all in moderation. These things normally make me happy, and although I am enjoying them, something is not quite the same about the emotions that are surfacing. I guess I should just be glad there is something there at all. I feel like I'm waiting for something to tell me to keep going, and until then I'm just cautiously trying to inch forward, as if I'm not supposed to be. As if I'd be sent back if I was caught trying. I really don't want to step backward right now. Everything behind me hurts. Even though I'm carrying a lot of it with me, it's still worse back there than it is here.

On the good side of life, Mike and Jessica had their baby girl, Claire. She's healthy and happy. I've met her once and I'm going to visit the new family again today. Perhaps Mike and I will get a cigar in. Outside of that happy event, my business is mostly limited to what I've already mentioned here. I got my third tattoo about a month ago. It's my most significant ink to date, and I don't expect (nor do I ever hope) that anything could ever take its place. I'm catching up on movies, and some shows on DVD. I clean the house a lot, and try to keep busy with projects. I finished the patio in the last few weeks, just as the weather was turning against me. My attention for the winter is going to turn toward the basement again, where I still have a workout room in disarray. Along with a workbench that still needs to be built. My only goal at the moment is just to stay busy. I've never had a shortage of things to do. And I've never needed all of them distracting me so much as I do now.

02-NOV-2008 - The Motions

I've never done this before. So, I guess what I'm thinking is, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. As more time is passing I'm beginning to understand that there is no path. No specific end in sight. There isn't some point B that I'm to ascend to once I've gone through all the turmoil and suffering. I've cried every day for the last month, save for one or two here and there. It's intensely exhausting, and far worse than any abuse I could otherwise put my body through, be it accidental or otherwise. In my collected moments I am weak, and mostly just in a daze. When I summon up the energy to hang out with friends or get out and do something, I get through it ok, but I constantly feel like I'm running on reserves. By the time I've gotten to the end I mentally collapse, and usually end up sick. It seems like the effort required to be normal isn't worth the penalty I'll pay for it in the end.

23-SEP-2008 - As Much as I can Bring Myself to Write for Now

The first hug I ever gave Melissa (we all just called her Mo) was on September 3rd, 2004. I met her at a friends party in Riverwest that I almost didn't go to, and as it turned out she almost didn't show up herself. She had her short hair dyed blonde, and I thought it was cute even though she hated it and couldn't wait to dye it back. I was being my typical strange and animated self at the party, and made a few friends out of her friends. We talked about Japan, movies, and some other things that we found common ground on. When the night ended, she was going to her car to head home to Oshkosh, and I was unlocking my pedal bike from the porch to ride the few blocks home. I held out my arms and gave her a big hug goodbye. I didn't get her number or email or anything. Another friend did, and I just figured if I was lucky I'd be seeing her again soon in my circle of friends.

The very last hug I ever gave her was September 14th, 2008. We had broken up a couple months earlier, over the awkward realization that we weren't going to make it as a long-term couple, even though we cared intensely for each other. It's a difficult thing to try to explain. Things were hard at first but eventually we were talking and emailing and starting to feel normal again around each other. We met for brunch that day, a Sunday. I was late because I ended up camping without plan the night before, and I was helping friends wrap-up the campsite in the rain. We ordered the same things we always did when we ate brunch in that restaurant back when we were dating. We talked about Japan, movies, volleyball, iPods and laptops. And probably some other things. I gave her a little hug under her umbrella in the parking lot as we parted ways, agreeing that it was good to see each other again and that we should do it again soon. It wasn't as big a hug as it should have been, but we were just getting accustomed to seeing each other around again.

She died a week later.

The following Sunday I was taking the long way home on the motorcycle. I usually like to take the city streets if I have the time. I left my parents house after playing some volleyball and getting some ice cream with my sister. I passed through the 5th Ward and ended up being detoured because of an accident. There were cops and ambulances and police tape, and the whole block was closed. I made my way around it all, passed through downtown, got home and went to bed.

The next morning at work Mo's brother Brian called me. I didn't answer because we can't use our cellphones at our desks. I thought it was strange that he would call, so I sent a text to Mo's phone, asking if everything was ok. I waited some time for a reply but never got one. A friend of her family and acquaintance of mine called my desk phone, offering his condolences. But he said it as if I already knew. Between his call and Brian's call, I guessed the worse. But didn't actually know.

She was killed while crossing the street, by a drunk driver who ran a red light, in the 5th Ward / Walkers Point area. I drove around it just 12 hours earlier. It was her. The driver kept going, but was pulled over and arrested several blocks away. She had two previous OWI's on her record, yet for some reason of societal or legal failings she was behind the wheel of a car again, intoxicated. And she killed someone I love very dearly. Someone who was a beautiful person inside and out, who was genuinely happy and excited nearly all the time. Someone who had a great deal of potential in this life.

Please watch Don't Fly Away / Please visit normaldeviation.com

07-SEP-2008 - Bad Music and Good Sportsmanship

I'm listening to the new "Earth to the Dandy Warhols", and I've got to say, I'm going to stop recommending this band. It's hard to explain exactly what it is that turns me on to music. I'm guilty of keeping a few less intelligent, more pop-oriented disappointments in my mp3 collection, as I imagine many people are. But for the most part my tastes are still in tact, and mostly steer clear of the radio path. Not that I'd know what that is these days, as I haven't turned on a radio or a television for years. The Dandys were always a bit of an anomaly in my overall attraction to lyrics. They mostly just sang about drugs for 4 or 5 albums, and I have no way to relate to that. But still, I loved mostly all of it. Now I just feel like they're trying to bore me for forty-some minutes. I'm glad I'm having this sensation right now, although I can't identify why with any certainty. Part of me thinks it's time to let go of certain things in life. Things I'm used to enjoying. Another part of me is being reminded that I shouldn't put anything on a pedestal. Maybe the rest of me just wants certain things to be how they once were. Not liking an album is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But I'm pretty sure that nearly everything I think, no matter what tiny little seed gave birth to it, is fairly revealing of greater things going on in my psyche. I just need time to let them grow.

I haven't written much here lately. And many things have happened since the last blurb. It never seems easy or even appropriate to wedge sad or serious events in with menial, trivial, day-to-day concerns. But that's my life. My friend Brian is in the hospital, he collapsed from a brain aneurism a couple weeks ago. He's my age, and needless to say, outside of the indiscriminant unfairness of life, or the supposed predetermined bullshit of a hypothetical god with a "plan", there is no reason for something like this to befall someone like him. He's one of the nicest people I've ever met. And while it seems customary for people talking about other people who have become victims of tragedy to say things about how nice they are, I can't stress enough how honest my statement is. I never saw him bothered or upset, just happy. Always energized and motivated, and basically just happy. I expect that he'll use that energy and drive to pull through all of this.

Yesterday I was on fire. Nearly unstoppable. This is an emotional observation. I had a number of distressing or bothersome things to tackle, and for whatever reason I was just in the correct frame of mind to do so. Today I have a few things on my mind, but nothing like yesterday. And even so, today I feel defeated. I'm tired, worn down. Maybe I'm recovering from yesterday, but I don't think so. Maybe it's just my time to be down. I never seem to have a middle. I'm either insane with energy or I'm barely able to stand up. It's a beautiful world when I'm up. But when days like today come about, nothing much matters. All I can do is obsess over the things I want to change or get rid of. It's my ongoing theme. Until I finally make a change, but those never come when I'm like this. It's going to take something else.

Before I came home this morning to get depressed about bad music, I met Mike in Waukesha to scout out our location for Project Oil House, our next video project in-the-works. Most of what we need is still there, but there will be some concerns. It's a big project, bigger than anything we've conceived before. And I know we're really going to need to stick to this one to get it where we want it. Timelines seem long but time always flies.

Summer volleyball ended, and I am happy to say our team took first place. It was extremely hard-won. The second place team was brutal, and played fierce, a style they seemed to derive from both talent and general misplaced aggression. In any case, the final 3 games were going to decide a win, lose, or a tie, it was that close when we started. We took 2 out of 3 games for the match, and first place for the summer. I've played on many teams in both leagues and for fun in the last 10 years, and I'm proud to say this team (Drunken Bunny) is the best by a long shot. Every single player is good, and more importantly a great person. I think the fact that we relaxed and had fun took us far. The fall season is starting this week, and I'll be honest I'm not looking forward to the cold. It will be outdoors again. A handful of the team will be sitting this one out, and due to the numbers game I've gone out recruiting with some success. I'm anxious to get playing again, the gaps between leagues and seasons always seem to stretch longer than I can wait to get on a court again.

17-AUG-2008 - Tangent

On occasion I will either slip into a day dream fantasy about what I would do if I won the lottery, or for the usual reasons someone will pose the question "what would you do with a million dollars?" to me, and so forth. Sometimes I feel like my answer is realistic, other times I find it depressing. In short, I would pay off my house and my car, I would pay off my credit card and any other small remaining personal debts. I would probably keep working, maybe downgrading to part time. And outside of some careful investing I would probably (at least as of my current mindset) start a coffee shop. Whenever I reflect on this answer I try not to get bogged down by the litany of miscellaneous realities it represents. Things such as the fact that I seem to have little, or at least extremely simple aspirations. The entire coffee shop concept seems to represent my lack of drive. I would essentially be affording myself a place to hang around, and possibly not accomplish anything while I'm there. Granted, designing, creating and running a small business would in itself be an accomplishment. But assuming I don't need to earn a living from it, the end goal seems to be to create an interesting atmosphere in which I can basically lay around. It seems like my interest is within the creation process only, and outside of that, I'm interested in hanging out. That's the part that depresses me. And now that I think about it, the part I find realistic, which is paying off things, depresses me as well. In short, I dream of one day ascending from below zero, up to zero. And if I can put in the extra time and effort, I'll create a lazy atmosphere for myself to bum around within. I could add in ideas here about contributing to my neighborhood or creating interesting and new social gatherings for friends and other people, but it would all sound uncharacteristically optimistic of me.

On a further financial note, I became curious how realistic it would be to purge myself of many, if not all of my higher-dollar possessions to see how easy it would be to reset the debt and the assets both back to zero. Then start over with a clean slate, no current possessions, but nothing owed for previous splurging. I'd suffer through a period of minimalism, which shouldn't be so bad. But I'd be gaining the chance to start over, one carefully researched purchase at a time. It differs from my long string of previous minimalist fantasies in that the goal is not to eliminate most things, but rather to replace them at a sustainable pace. I'd be creating a more realistic picture of my surroundings, in that the objects would represent something accomplished, as opposed to something owed. While I am not in the red-zone of what is considered the average american debt, I am bothered enough by the state of things to contemplate measures such as this. If anything it would make for an interesting social experiment, illustrative of our unsustainable economic idiocy and our obsession to define ourselves through our possessions.

In the short stretch of time wedged in between now and the previous post, I've remedied the plumbing issue with an additional $400. I've driven past the same 1992 Volvo 240 in perfect running order / mint condition and entertained the idea of downgrading to it several times. I've made a handful of attempts to "hang out" with people that are each dismissed in the interest of general busyness. I've committed to a new video project, which had been sitting on my shelf for a few years. I'm interested in doing it right, but I know that a good degree of effort will need to go into it for that to become a reality. I've continued to attempt to adjust unsuccessfully to a new chapter in my life which regardless of how I define it to myself, is truly just a depressing series of failures at life on my part. Outside of this things are mostly the same. No clear direction, no specific goals, no idea what to do next.

02-AUG-2008 - When it Rains

Considering the tidy amount of cash I dispensed earlier this year on upgrading the motorcycle, I was hoping to get through this riding season without directing any additional funds to that category of my life. As with plumbing fiascos and life in general, that will not be the case. I currently need the chain replaced, as well as a valve adjustment. The chain has some worn and smooth spots on it, and as a result the bike was riding a bit funny for the last week or so. As a maintenance and safety concern, I wasn't willing to let it slide, and as such the bike is currently in the shop. The valves are most likely not in any disarray, but per the high mileage of the bike it is time for their scheduled maintenance. I threw in a rear-brake job for good measure, as they were worn down significantly. That aspect was the cheapest by far of the work I agreed to. In any case, I will soon have a finely-tuned good-as-new motorcycle back in my garage, at the cost of furthering my already barely manageable financial melee. I'd like to think that these expenses are all for a good thing, keeping the bike in top running order. But as it stands, the bike is a hobby and a secondary vehicle, and as such I'm finding it difficult to find the positive side of creating additional financial woe over it.

On a related note, my grand plan for recovering some of these losses has failed. At least in part. I had previously contemplated the advantages of a caffeine-fueled, social-less, 60+ hour work week. In the interest of generating a significant amount of additional funds via overtime pay. While it is a good thing that things at work are running so smooth right now that almost no overtime is needed, it is also a bad thing as I was unable to take advantage of any more than two additional hours this past week. I'd like to think that every little bit helps. But it's going to take a lot more little bits at this point. The other part of my plan was the usual eBay blow-out. I have managed to collect a number of items that not only do I need to part with for clutter reasons, but that may actually be worth enough to help. Those are going up this weekend, I hope.

The social and fun side of my life, which is close to non-existant these days, had a good night this past Thursday. Mike, Jessica, Mo and myself attended the CSS / The Go! Team concert in Milwaukee together. Both bands rocked Turner Hall with no mercy, and I was pleasantly surprised by both opening bands, Matt & Kim, and Natalie Portman's Shaved Head. Each contributed to a great evening of incredible music. It was a late night, and as a result I was a little burned out at work the following day, but at least it was Friday.

26-JUL-2008 - Happenstance

The previously explained plumber/basement fiasco has managed to reach a new low. The work completed thus far, which is to reiterate that the problem itself is not yet fixed, has come to a modest sum of $1055.83. I'm sure I need not mention that I don't happen to have a thousand extra dollars just lying around, and if I did I'm sure I would spend it on other debts that I currently need to rectify, or possibly buy myself a really swell present. In any case, the fact that more is to come before what began as nothing more than a drip is finally behind me, is debilitating. My hat is off to The Man once again.

Normally (which seems rather often), when situations like this pop up, I tend to become a little distressed. I often let my thoughts drift from analyzing the specifics of the current situation, to far-off things such as a demoralized future where the rich live forever thanks to their infinite wealth and ability to postpone mortality. Meanwhile the poor (there is no longer a middle class) manage to scrape by for roughly 30 years, before the onset of modest doctor and plumber bills eventually bury them. They spend the next 20 or so years in grave desperation, endlessly fighting to recover the health and simple existence they once had, and eventually either die or kill themselves in their mid-fifties. Middle-aged health concerns are a luxury only the rich can afford to remedy or delay, and anyone not in the position to pay out obscene sums of money for basic maintenance of both body and domestic habitations, are subject to find solace with whatever god they may believe in.

Even in the midst of this pessimism, I have to admit I don't actually feel all that down right now. My basement workout room is in shambles, my house water supply is currently dependent on a garden hose, my backyard is a semi-completed mud hole which was on track to become a patio before funds became diverted to not fixing the plumbing problem. All of these things are only going to be replaced by other setbacks or catastrophes by the time I've resolved them. So in essence, there is no sense stressing over them. Instead I'll continue to spend my time digging up the back yard, gardening, punching the punching bag in my disheveled basement, and scaling back my already minimal spending in the interest of paying off a plumber who has only made my life worse.

I suppose accepting circumstance may be a stepping stone to changing circumstance. One thing at a time though.

21-JUL-2008 - Before I Drug Myself to Sleep

I guess I'm an on-again off-again insomniac. Maybe I'm an inconsistent insomniac. Either way, I haven't been sleeping for the last week. It comes and goes. I'll sleep 10 hours a week for weeks, and then I'll sleep like a baby for months. When the dead-tired-body-refuses-to-give-out period of weeks comes around again, I truly appreciate the months of normalcy I managed to not appreciate while I had them. I'm going to win tonight's battle though, as soon as I finish recounting the recent events to follow, I'm going to do myself in for at least 8 hours of comatose drooling.

There are some things that I talk about, and many things I do not. Somehow, no matter which thing it is, I will still always manage to commit it here. Even if I'm only hinting, it's probably my way of facing my world without keeping it all in, exclusively. In any case, I don't entirely follow the sensibility of crow-barring it out of me, while I'm out in the world. Especially if it's something I haven't offered to open on my own. I don't know why I play along with many things out in the real world, but for as cold and objective as I can be, I still do. Maybe I'm losing my touch. Maybe I lost part of myself. I feel like recent events, some which feel forced, and others that feel more serendipitous, are trying to tell me something. Sadly at the moment I'm too singularly-focused to ascertain what the greater puzzle is, or how these different sorts of events are supposed to fit together and reveal anything to me. I'll try harder later I guess.

This past weekend was the sort that felt longer than it was, which is good. This is mostly due to getting a nice early start on Friday night. Myself, Jodi and Kurt carpooled out to Madison to meet up with Mike, Jessica, and Andrea for the opening night screening of The Dark Knight. The movie was great of course, and I do recommend it. The drinking which both preceded and proceeded the film was enjoyed at The Great Dane, which is one of those sorts of places I really need visit more often. Saturday I woke up only slightly later than normal, thanks to Friday's all-nighter. I grabbed a shovel and broke ground on my long overdue patio project. The basic plan is to install a sixteen by ten foot stone patio, just off the back of the house. And eventually cover it with a trellis for shade, privacy, and shunning the rain. Nothing beats a warm summer rain with the grill fired up. As of now I'm nearly finished with the digging part, which in a sense is the easy part, cause it doesn't cost me anything. But in another way it's the hard part, because it's the most labor-intensive. That night I frequented a friend's BBQ and talked movies with a host of new and interesting people. Sunday I hung around with Becky a bit, and had a chance run-in with Talia. Other than that it was chores and busywork as usual.

The weekend before last was my, Mike and Matt's motorcycle cabin trip. It's 200 miles from Milwaukee up to the cabin, and on sport bikes that can become a bit of an endurance challenge. That's not even mentioning the extra miles Mike and Matt racked up coming to Milwaukee from Madison and Chicago. We made Green Bay our half-way point on both the ride up and back down, but even so, there was some stretching to do when we got there. Once the destination was reached, it was the usual alcohol, grilling out, and bon fires to pass the time. We did include some additional country ride time since we were up there in the twisties, naturally. On a side note, Green Bay is one hell of a lack-of-shit to do. I guess they're all too busy tailgating to notice that the world outside their parking lot is just about as interesting and useful as another parking lot.

I neglected to mention in an earlier post, about catching up with many old friends, that both Jill and Dawn had visited Milwaukee in the previous few weeks. It's probably not worth mentioning how good it was to see them each again. And how much I miss them, and many aspects of my past. It's all well known at this point. But even so, I tend to be reminded somehow (even though I could never actually forget) that there are a certain few people out there that do in fact truly know me. People I could never hide from. When they're around even after years in between, I just open back up as if they were never gone. It is every bit as liberating when they're around as it is depressing when they leave again.

Even though my recent injuries of the past month or so are in a healing state, I still harbor a certain sense of uneasiness which refuses just yet to let me go. It's natural, I'm sure. But even so, I'm walking around with an invisible weight seemingly determined to break me. I'm not sure what the next course of action should be.

10-JUL-2008 - If I Had a Nightmare I Wouldn't Tell You

Let me start by starting over. However many weeks ago I went up to the cabin with the usual people. We enjoyed some mostly agreeable weather, occasionally enduring a beautiful thunderstorm. All the usual classic movie viewing and drinking ensued. That week was at the height of the heavy June rains that we in the midwest are still battling even now. Mike and Jess returned to a further damaged basement. I came back to a seemingly small but ultimately unbearable leak in my basement. The tenacity of which has slowly eroded my workout room down to a constantly sopping, moist, intolerable dank corner of the basement. It thwarted the first plumber entirely, and when the second was unable to "temporarily" keep it in check, while he scheduled time to return, it continued to slowly devastate my previously quaint living routine. When he eventually did return, concrete was busted up, old lead pipes were replaced or circumvented in some way, and eventually the problem became much worse. The issue on the one side of the water meter was resolved. The other side of the meter, which previously had no signs of fatigue, broke out of the floor entirely. The options to either spend ten times an amount of money that I already didn't have, or temporarily use a garden hose to bypass the actual water supply to my house were presented. I chose the latter, for now. And when the plumber returns a third time it won't be on company time, he'll be sliding me a discount as this has now become an "on the side" job. At that time, he'll be installing new copper pipes in the house, totally bypassing the old lead pipes all together. A nice update to the house, but you should see what my basement looks like right now. Needless to say, any overtime I may have convinced myself to work in the recent past will quickly be assimilated by this endless fucking bullshit. And naturally, the remaining fragments of my life will be helpless to coax me through the ongoing financial burden that my very existence seems to coincide with.

In the hallowed-out space between that cabin trip and the next one, which kicks off tomorrow afternoon, I managed to successfully inflict a number of injuries on myself, of both a physical and emotional nature. The emotional ones were building for some time. And although I deeply regret harboring them for a long period of time, only to see them spill out more abruptly than I would prefer, I am still telling myself now that the events as they unfolded are somehow, someday going to be for the best. To think that I may have been better off confronting them earlier, which could have possibly made some kind of difference, only sees to it that they hurt all that much more. The physical counterparts I inflicted are only there to help control the emotional ones slightly. As physical damage heals over time, so does invisible damage. If I can focus on the one I can control, I can take a break from the one I can't, if only for awhile.

The tiny little events of the last few days are somewhat busy, and mostly more of the same. I jumped on the motorcycle with Michelle to ride out to Madison, to get drunk and shoot off explosives at Mike and Jessica's 4th of July cookout. We got back late the next day, when Marcy traded Michelle for her spot on the bike, and the two of us had a quick ice cream sundae catch-up, followed by a round of Comedy Sportz. I got back past my bedtime as usual and managed to survive to tolerate yet another day. Somewhere before or after that I managed to squeeze in some time with Becky N., Becky B., the latter of which is in the process of moving back to Milwaukee. Joy was also in town from DC, and we had some catch up time involving brunches and Japanese outings. I also pointed her in the right direction for getting her very first tattoo, which as I understand worked out rather well for her.

That brings me to my tattoo. I believe it has been 8 years since my first, and last tattoo. Just before the last cabin trip, I finally decided to take advantage of the time off, and walked back into Gothic Body for number two. In short, I previously handed them my sketch, and when I came back, I got myself inked during a severe thunderstorm with various tornado warnings keeping it interesting. The resulting piece is nothing short of perfect, I couldn't be happier with it. I spent a bit of the relaxation time at the cabin keeping it elevated and hobbling about when I had to. It's fully healed now, all I need is my leg hair to grow back and I'll be good as new.

This coming weekend's trip will be a little different. It's just Mike, Matt, and myself, and we're riding our motorcycles up. It should be an interesting endurance mission as well as a nostalgic experience. The three of us haven't collaborated on a guys-only cabin trip for I don't know how long. All I know is that it was so long ago it wasn't the same cabin, and there were eggs involving vodka.

12-MAY-2008 - More of the Same

There is never quite any way to sum up the events of an entire month in a short space, without dragging on and on, or making the endless tedium of the events seem as boring as they actually are.

It's safe enough to summarize that I've been hanging around with the usual people, doing mostly the usual things. Which is primarily town-hopping between Madison and Milwaukee, watching Battlestar Galactica, and eating out more than I should.

I've been attempting to enjoy the attempted weather shift we're experiencing. It's clearly trying to get warmer, although failing. On occasion there will be a moderately warm day seemingly thrown in amongst a week or so of dreary endlessness. It's always welcome though nearly always short-lived.

I've managed to sneak in a handful of motorcycle rides even with the weather trying to keep me down. I'm a fair-weather rider though, so as I could just as easily bundle up and make the haul I'd much rather turn on the heat and wait for nature to make up her mind.

Another plus to the occasional nice day is my tireless desire to work in or on the yard. I've planted a number of flowers already, and built a new flower box along the backside of the garage. I've picked up some trellises which I'll be attaching to the back wall of the garage. I'm planning on growing some hops, which are a climbing plant incidentally. If I'm lucky Mike and I will be able to brew a batch of beer this season that actually contains some home-grown hops. Mike also helped me tear out a fence in the back yard this past weekend, although there is a bit of touching-up to do. Once it's all through with I'll have gained a little extra yard space.

I've recently taken up running again. It's not something I've ever stuck with for too long, and it's never been something I've done outside of just warming up for a workout. But I've been managing to keep it up at least 3-4 days a week, for the last few weeks. I've signed up for a 5K on the 20th of this month, and hope to be ready for it by then. I guess we'll see.

01-APR-2008 - Bringing Down the House

This past weekend Mike and Jess, Gary and Megan, Mo, Sylvia, and Gannon converged on the house. Most of them went to Ikea and Mitsuwa down in Shaumburg for the better part of Sunday. Mike and I stayed behind and tore down a wall in my basement. This particular wall was old and showed its age. It was used to separate the workout room from a small but useful storage area. While I do find storage useful and important, I tend to feel that it justifies my having things. Things that I don't need, and thus are stowed away for lengthy stays in places that serve no other purpose than for storing those things. Therefore when the wall was down, and my intention to rebuild it in a prettier form was paused while Mike suggested I just leave the area open, I quickly scrapped my plans to rebuild it. We traveled to Home Depot where I purchased some carpeting to cover the newly expanded area. We put all the equipment back, tidied up, and I must say the result is impressive. I still need to paint the walls, and perhaps panel or drywall them, but the current improvement is welcome as it is. I'm extremely pleased with how far it came in short time and little money.

Something of an additional plus to this project was the realization that the wall in the front room that separates it from the butterfly room, is not load-bearing. The wall we removed was directly below it, and there were no supports or beams or useful construction elements of any kind that would indicate it is. Obviously I'll get this checked out by someone more knowledgeable before I do any more destruction. But it's a happy discovery because I intend to knock out that upstairs wall as well, adding a significant amount of space to my current front room. That project will wait a short while, but not too long. I expect it to be work intensive, but also affordable. It's mostly destruction again, the only materials needed will be paint and some more wood flooring, a little putty and touch-up items.

It's raining a lot lately. And I'm taking it as a sign of spring. I'm looking forward to my bike being rideable again. I'm still waiting on a number of things to be shipped back to me. But I know it will be soon. After a long and depressive battle with winter, I can at least tell that the end is near.

29-MAR-2008 - Winter Projects Continued

From a spending standpoint, I'm nearing a close on the great bike project of 2008. Everything I want or need to do to the bike, with exception to the chin spoiler, is purchased or awaiting delivery. As soon as the painted parts come back, and a few other modifications from different sources arrive via UPS, all I have to do is put it all together. I'm very excited and I expect that I'll be very pleased with the final results.

Last weekend I stayed in Madison with Mike while Jessica and Mo were at Jodi's bachelorette party. Mike changed out his spark plugs on his Yamaha, and I successfully installed my new clutch cable. We hit up Granite City for some tasty food and beer, and wrapped up with a viewing of 3:10 to Yuma.

The following day was easter brunch with the family. Easter this year seemed somewhat depressing, most likely because it came in March, and we had yet another snow storm two days before. It was just starting to look like spring was coming for real this time, when nature dropped another one on us. I have to admit that as much as I already hate winter, and cold in general, I've never in as long as I can remember taken such a seasonal beating. I'm cold, depressed, and uncomfortable. And all I want is it to be over. It doesn't help that I know people in warmer places like Paul in Baton Rouge, or Jill in Spokane and Dawn in San Jose. It doesn't help that I work with Texans, and talk to them every single day, with updates on the mid-70 degree weather they are enjoying. It's near-torture that I'm so involved with the motorcycle right now, cause all I really want to do with it is ride the damn thing. I know the end is near, but it's been a longer, harder wait than usual, and I don't think I'm up for another Wisconsin winter if this is what they're going to be like going forward.

If there is a flip-side to any of this frigid downtime, I am getting a number of things done on the house. Mostly in the basement. It's not glamorous, but things need to get done, and I know I won't be down there working on them when it's finally 80 degrees outside. I picked up a treadmill, and gave it a home in my workout room. I've begun insulating all of the ductwork, which I understand makes a noticeable improvement in energy costs during the winter. The work bench project is on hold, but only because I need to tear out and rebuild a wall first. Once I redo that, the work bench will finally see its day. I need to install some new electrical outlets, and light fixtures while I'm at it. I'm taking it all a little bit each day, cause I've noticed when I try to charge down there and get crazy progress done, it never happens. At this rate I'll slowly but surely see it through.

11-MAR-2008 - Puppies and Powersports

This past Sunday Mike and I cleared a bit of space in his garage, unpacked the tools, and went to town on our motorcycles. Mike successfully added a helmet lock under his seat, removed his unwanted rear license plate/turn signal assembly, and re-wired his front headlights, so they are both on instead of just one. I successfully dismantled my bike, leaving only it's non-paintable parts behind. As for the paintable parts, the gas tank is in my garage. I'm trying to allow the few remaining drops of fuel left in it, that we couldn't seem to get out, evaporate away. The rest is tucked neatly in a box in the basement. Two very small, but needed plastic pieces are currently in the mail to me, and will be here soon. I'm currently waiting for word back from a friend, who's brother-in-law is a painter interested in doing some side work. Once that is all arranged I'll pass the tank and the plastics along, and eagerly await their return as freshly painted like-new components. I have a number of other modifications I want to make this year, including the integrated rear turn signals, the passenger foot peg rear turn signals, a front dual-headlight mod, and the addition of a chin spoiler. Unfortunately the cost at this point and after the paint job will have reached what I consider a comfortable limit, for what is already a perfectly rideable bike. The other mods may find their way into the mix over the course of summer, or possibly wait until the next riding season. As much as I'd like to see my bike "finished" for this season, I will be taking the last few details more slowly.

Today is my last day as a dog-sitter. Midnight had a fun weekend when I introduced her to Gannon, and she and he proceeded to play and pounce while Mike and I tended to our bike business. She has been a bit trying at times, but overall a playful and good puppy. Sandy should be on her way from the airport to pick her up in a few hours.

I'm going to spend the rest of my non-puppy week putting in some extra OT at work, in hopes that I can navigate some financial obligations. Between the bike, and possibly moving the Japan trip up (more on that later), things are leaning towards tight again. Tight, but never impossible of course. I just have to buckle down and commit to whatever it is that I need to get accomplished. There is always seemingly something looming that demands a better-than-average helping of cash. This bothers me to no end, and probably lends itself greatly to my general dissatisfaction with life's uneven happenings. I'm trying to remind myself not to get wrapped up in the American curse of plentitude. But naturally, I do anyway.

01-MAR-2008 - Things are Good

It feels as though there isn't much going on. Although, I'm pretty certain that's only because there is nothing to complain about.

I'm getting settled in to all the tiny perks of my newfound employment. Obviously nothing major has changed. But it feels like something has.

I got my tax returns back, and I've carefully distributed the monies into various, carefully thought out sections of need and want in my life.

I finally, finally got my car fixed after crashing it into a slab of curb over a year ago. The remaining $1200 that was required to fix it was reduced to $250 thanks to a mechanic friend, and a lucky find for some needed parts.

Starting tomorrow I'm dog-sitting a baby german shepherd for about a week and a half. I've never really been a confirmed dog person, but I've always been an animal person. And I'm looking forward to the experience of what it would be like to have something bigger than a cat roaming the house for a bit.

I took my sister to the Milwaukee Auto Show last night. As expected, it was enjoyable as a general outing, and it's always good to spend time with the fam. Unfortunately the cars themselves, save for just a few restored classics, were nothing different than going to a dealership. Nothing special in the slightest. It was still fun to poke and prod at the 2008 Subaru WRX, which after much consideration I've become certain will be my next vehicle. And now that my current Subaru is back in perfect running order, I can enjoy the final year of my current lease until the time comes to change-up.

Last weekend Ian, Hannah and myself hosted the Simpsons season 4 marathon here at the house. It was a bit lengthy, but an excellent day and evening to be sure. Many custom and awesome snacks were constructed specially for the event. And Mike and I discovered that Skittlebrau, in actuality, is not a good idea. Many thanks go out to everyone who showed up (some in costume) and made it a great time.

Tonight we are going out to Video Games Live, which is basically classic video game music played by the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra. I'm certain some dinner or bar-hopping, and a bit of loafin' will be added on to the evening.

I got the left-side fairing for my motorcycle in the mail yesterday. I needed to order one to replace the current one before the painting begins, because the old one is missing a chunk out of it. The previous owner obviously put the bike down at some point. Now that it's in, and I've had the bike fully tuned up just prior to putting it away this winter, and I'm close to getting it apart and painted, I'm getting reinvigorated a bit for this coming riding season. I know I'll enjoy tackling this project soon, but it's all just tedious distraction until I can finally ride again, which is unfortunately up to the weather. All in time.

14-FEB-2008 - Coffee Smells Like High School

Today Ian advised me that the toaster oven, while attempting to perform its services on a bagel earlier in the day, started a small fire. This fire was more or less a small flame that "poofed" out the side of the oven, and was quickly extinguished by Ian simply blowing on it. Intrigued by the potential for creating a small electrical fire myself, I plugged the toaster oven back in when I got home, fed it a tasty yet frozen vegetarian corn dog, and spun up the timer. That lasted only a few seconds. The result of my experiment was a small but scary-sounding series of blue sparks that circulated the side and back of the oven momentarily, until I turned it back off. I then proceeded to re-unplug it. Needless to say I did not recently enjoy a thoroughly toasted corn dog, but rather a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which was consumed in its raw form. I recognize that toaster ovens are by no means expensive, as far as the average goes. And certainly not at the high-end of household appliances. I do however remain disappointed by todays events. I bought that toaster oven just over a year ago, a little after I bought the house. As far as I'm concerned, unless you're buying toilet paper, anything you buy in this day and age should last you more than a year. Anything. A toaster oven is not exactly high tech. It's a dial, a door, and a heating coil. And it has a little light on it! It shouldn't break. It's not under stress, it's not operating in extreme conditions. It's not operating all day, everyday. It's not abused by small children. Planned obsolescence is a fucking joke, and now its delaying me a grease-free grilled cheese. The day-to-day annoyances of the modern world should be bigger than simple machines failing us before their time. This is the 21st bloody century! My first iPod was dropped, kicked, bent, scratched, sat on and knocked in to various stationary objects. And guess what? It kept on ticking, perfectly, every day, always. Right up until the day some fuck-tard stole it. I know a guy who crashed his Subaru into not one, but two walls, and rolled it once. Hammered out the dents, kept driving. Hundreds of thousands of miles later, still driving. This is what I'm talking about. This is the kind of dedication to quality we must demand from the world's toaster oven manufacturers. Cars and mp3 players are vastly more complicated products than toaster ovens. This is what our technology is capable of, yet we refuse to support it because we've come to expect less from everything, with few exceptions. And they're getting away with it. One shoddy product at a time, tiny little annoying things that shouldn't happen are happening. Again and again. And it's so normal to us all that we're just going to keep on expecting and tolerating it.

On the recent plus side of life's list, I did my taxes the other day, and since this is the first time I've done them after having the house under my belt for the entire year - and not just part of it - I am being rewarded. The typical challenge as usual is not doing anything stupid with the pending electronic deposits I'm looking forward to. I want to save some, pay off some, and put some away for a decent vacation this year. Now that I actually have vacation time to burn. As many times as I randomly come across a fortunate financial windfall, I never seem to make a big dent in my situation with it, but rather just add to one pile slightly, or take away from another slightly. It's tedious and frustrating at best, and mostly serves as a reminder to me that I'm lousy with finances, even though I'm much much better than I once was.

I spent some of this past weekend in catch-up mode. I went out to see Tom's rock show at Stonefly with Becky, and mostly felt good that I was not only finally spending some quality social time with Becky again, but also that I was finally doing something social and interesting in my own neighborhood. I've lived here for a year and a half, and when I first moved back I had fantasies of restarting my east-side/riverwest social networking, yet here I am. I have 10 cafes, coffee shops, good bars/breweries, or some other useful commercial establishment, all within walking distance of my front door. Yet here I sat for a year, painting walls and gardening. I'm glad I put so much time and effort into the house, but I've been missing the outside world for too long now. I caught up with Laurel the next morning, we had coffee and breakfast at the new Alterra (also down the street), and it was excellent. I've known Laurel for 20 years and it had been awhile since we had caught up. Once again, good to get out. Saturday night was Rock Bottom with Mike and Mo. And the Thursday before was Chad's 80's-themed art show. All around, an eventful, packed weekend.

I'd like to start focusing on the motorcycle a little more, as the window for painting it is nearing. If I can combine a new paint job with just a few new accessories and trim items, I'll have a gorgeous new bike to debut this summer. Living in a state where my yearly riding time is severely limited has proven to be extremely tasking. I'm trying to endure the off-time by toying with the bike and coming up with some alteration ideas. But it's all really just distraction. This snow needs to go away. I don't want time to fly, but I do want spring and summer back. Winter has its moments, but as far as I'm concerned they're all over for this year.

07-FEB-2008 - The End of an Era

Let's start with the one thing I always bitch about. This will be the last time, because there is nothing left to bitch about anymore. I signed that piece of paper today. I'd like to say the event has made me happy. But in all honesty, I've been perfectly happy and/or content with life all week long. Graduating from my long-suffered temporary status certainly does help keep my outlook overall positive, and I intend to keep it that way. But generally speaking my tranquility is in full effect, regardless.

Yesterday 17" of snow dropped out of the death-cold sky and buried Milwaukee. I found the event personally anti-climactic, but it did have great effect on everything else, including businesses, the airport, and peoples ability to drive in general. If I was 15 years younger I would be king of a medium-sized snow fortress at this time, with an inflated sense of accomplishment. Since I'm an adult I only have my real house to enjoy and play in, and by play in I mean drink hot cocoa and maintain this website while fellow motorists are creating pile-ups just outside. I'd like to fantasize that I may have a snow-mobile someday, but I honestly don't see the point. I expect it would be dangerously fun. But I have a motorcycle for that, and I like to fill winter with projects.

Unless of course I'm loafing and skiing. This past weekend was host to a spectacular cabin trip, perhaps the best yet. The introduction of alcohol to the humble game of Scrabble resulted in a new, bastardized, yet still somehow tedious version of Scrabble. Perhaps it is that Scrabble itself is so non-entertaining, that not even alcohol can save it. Drinking itself, however, is always good fun with good company. Cooking up tasty meals to extend the alcohols life and prolong its inevitable effect is also time well spent when you are miles from anything itself even remotely outside of civilization. On Saturday we went out to B's Country Cafe, which has become a regular stop for us in the U.P. We patronized Norway Mountain ski resort afterward, only to find they closed much earlier than expected, or rational. That slight disappointment aside, the skiing itself was excellent. Mike and I tried a few of the more difficult runs before "last call", but not as many as we would have liked. The girls had a good time as well, and I'm happy to say I did not suffer any personal injury, which was the highlight of last years trip. Sunday at the cabin was ultra-relaxed, with video games, reading, and my I-dare-you-to-make-a-better-breakfast-burrito breakfast burritos.

The workbench has been on hold just recently, but only for lack of time. I'm looking forward to getting back to it, as I am again re-fueled on the house-front. While up at the cabin the idea to forgo my intention to transform the current butterfly room into an asian tea room was re-presented. The substitute plan would be to knock out those walls entirely, and nearly double the size of the front room. I had considered that in the past, but for whatever reason never wanted to carry through with it. At this point I am leaning heavily toward that option, as it would greatly enhance the usefulness of the front room, especially for group events which I try to host often. Also because the space in my house is so sectioned that having one big great room would be refreshing. I also don't envision utilizing the tea room all that much, even thou I love the idea. It would also be cheaper to knock out the wall and slap some pergo down in its place. In any case I'm considering my options. I have more of them open to me these days than I'm used to.

31-JAN-2008 - It Grows Back, In Some Form

Kopps is this local Milwaukee-area custard / burger stand. Unlike many local-to-wherever custard places that people local to them always say have "the best fucking custard ever", Kopps, unlike the rest, actually is the best fucking custard ever. I don't care who you are, where you're from, or how good you think your place's custard is. The custard from my local custard stand is superior to the custard from your local custard stand. Kopps wins. This past "Monday Magic" flavor was called "Roll of the Dice". In short, it was peanut-butter custard, with cookie dough chunks and fudge throughout. I exchanged hard-earned money for a quart of this heavenly sludge, transported it safely back to my kitchen where I proceeded to slather it in actual peanut butter, in addition to some healthy squirts of Reese's peanut butter ice cream topping. The peanut butter extravaganza that followed caused a temporary but significant spike in my serotonin level, that had only recently worn off yesterday.

That euphoric adventure served as a pleasant distraction from otherwise not-so-pleasant reality. While I will admit to harboring a small arsenal of taboo and/or unhealthy habits, including self-mutilation and other forms of intentional self-inflicted pain, all of which I like to refer to as "practice", I will always be happy inside. I will always acknowledge the advantage of choosing elaborate ice-cream concoctions over crack cocaine. I will always choose to break myself assaulting my punching bag instead of choosing to break someone else. I will gladly put my fist through a wall before I put it through your face. It's peaceful violence. And it takes so much out of me that when I'm done I have nothing left to be angry at. No matter how ugly the universe is going to get, I'll be too busy finding out who I am to bother lending a hand.

Back in my cubicle world, the endurance required for me to carry out my daily duties while simultaneously waiting for a piece of paper to show up for me to sign, all the while distracting myself mentally from thinking about it, has taken its toll on me. I have peanut butter gut-rot, for one. For another, my knuckles are raw and the skin that once covered them has grown back in uneven, chapped flakes. I may bleed just enough to ruin a once perfectly good undershirt. All of this is more than enough to face tomorrow. I am alive, but not hired yet. Not in any official capacity, at least.

I've spent a lot of this winter staying distracted. I'm in the middle of a lengthy house project that will take me some time to complete, but will hopefully leave me with a satisfactory work bench and project area in the basement. I feel that I need this because I can then utilize more time on future projects, all of which are certain to provide me with further distractions from everything else. I've also been helping Becky research and shop for a new car. So far she is leaning heavily toward the Subaru Impreza, which aside from the fact that I own one, intend to buy another one myself, and nearly everyone I know drives a Subaru, I can honestly say it sold itself. If you're going to buy a car, it may as well be safe, reliable, fun, and nearly indestructible.

The most pleasant of all my spent time belongs to Sylph, a cat that I adopted on New Year's Eve. Sigma died before I bought this house, and as a result of my uncharacteristic attachment to him, my prolonged sentimentality, and the above average sadness I felt when he died, I ignored the option to fill that void for nearly two years now. I miss him even now, but I'm very happy I decided it was time to add one to the family again. Sylph is intensely playful, and seems to consistently remain happy. She's good at keeping me in better spirits.

Tomorrow is Friday, and if all goes according to plan I should be skiing by Saturday, hopefully in between old-school video games and beer. I have one more day of work to challenge me between then and now, and if I'm lucky I'll just get through it in one piece. If I'm luckier I may even see that piece of paper. It's unlikely though. If I do see it my next agenda items will be to find that pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and then get abducted by UFOs. Just for the sake of getting things that are more likely to happen crossed off that list of bullshit. When I don't see it I can always come back to the punching bag.